P.S. I love you +D

I've just finished watching P.S. I love you and seriously....gosh.

What a story. There were times I felt that I was going to tear up but I didn't. And in a way, I'm kinda glad I didn't.

Lots of themes were being brought up in regards to love and relationships. And knowing Asian culture, we don't really just sleep with each other and also just kiss around just however. 

Love the song, though. 

P.S. I Love You - Diana Krall

Dear, I thought I'd write a line
The weather's cool
The folks are fine
I'm in bed each night at nine
P.S. I love you

Yesterday we had some rain
But all in all 
I can't complain
Was it dusty on the train
P.S. I love you

Write to the Browns 
As soon as you're able
They came around to call
I burnt a hole in the dining room table
Let me see, I think that's all

Nothing more for me to say
And so I'll close, but by the way
Everybody's thinking of you
P.S. I love you

Topic of conversation today ended up as my 5th question in the list of 4 questions that I already ask people.

"Would you date yourself?"

Yes/No, and why/why nots required. Please put in comments or email me. +)

Hey you. 

Lots of memorable lines, like you know, kissing a girl ends life as we know it, flashbacks that seem....plain cruel. Everything else in between. Hm.

And always. 

P.S. I love you.

Suspended in Midnight

There is no moon tonight.

I like the night. It is dark, quiet, sombre, calm.

There is no sunlight, no bright dazzling light to expose and reveal and shock. There is only the darkness, warm, cold, comforting, familiar ground. What I do not see does not hurt me. Ignorance is bliss, after all.

There are many times I spend in the darkness. In the quiet of my room, listening to myself breathing, hearing someone take a sharp breath in, knowing that there is no one else in the room. I mutter "Hail Mary"s and "Our Father"s repeatedly, holding it before me like a holy charm in the hope that whatever thing is breathing alongside me disappears. After 60 ticks of the clock, I do not hear breathing anymore. Only then, do I notice that I have stopped breathing as well. I breathe out. I like the darkness.

It is where my imagination comes alive before me. I do not have to see colour to experience colour in my mind. I don't care for nature's given colours. I want my skies to be black and the plants white and people grays, all different shades of grays. Walking in their patent thick heavy-set coats with a multitude of snakes wrapped around their necks. In the night, in the thick inky black night, I can dream. 

I remember the night. 

I sat there at 1a.m. in the morning with a Dinner for Two from McDonald's. I sat in a darkened doorway of the Society of the Deaf. And I cried. I wailed to an unseen moon. I cried and I cried. I thought my heart had broken. In the silence of the night and besides the bread trucks that zoomed on the nearby highway, I howled. A coward, she had said. A lying goddamn bastard. In the darkness, it echoed in mind.

You said you would never leave me. You lied! 

You bastard! You fucking bastard!

You don't even have the guts to stand up to her! Fuck you!

That night, I cried. And I went home and curled up and hoped that in the morning, I would find myself in Heaven or in Hell. I did not want to live.

The day came sooner than I wanted it to. And I was bathed in sunlight that I could not care less for. 

******

I remember the night. A cold cold wintry night. Where the frost formed thick on the grass and we dared not venture outside for the cold.

The two of us, friends, lovers, whatever we wanted to be, intertwined on a single bed, afraid of making a noise as the others slept nearby. We kissed, we touched, we gasped and yet, as I slid my arms around her to pull her closer, she only buried her head in my neck and breathed against me. 

I think I love you.

That somehow made us both pause. 

I'm not a baby.

But I was lost in the wonder of her lips, her hands, her nose, her neck. I turned on the light and I smiled. She smiled back too.

You're beautiful, you know that? You look so so so gorgeous.

She just flicked the switch and we were lost in the wonder of the night. The darkness. Again.

Her lips, soft, yielding, uncertain but yet, it was there. Sweet. And I ran my hands through her curls. 

I love my curls, she used to say. They make me look wild.

Her thick, luscious curls. Black as night. Black as the night I sank myself into. 

My little wild one, I called her. And she'll smile and wrap my arm around her waist and snuggle close.

So many nights. With her. 

Studying late at night for midterms. She'll fall asleep in front of the computer that we both shared and I would watch her. Breathing in. Breathing out. And smooth out her brow if she was frowning. Tuck her into bed.

She was always cold. So I'd hug her. And she felt warm. 

I never wanted those nights to end. 

But the sun always rose. Without fail.

What I would give for the sun to die.

******

So many nights. Alone.

Walking home mid morning, knowing that the sun was just about to rise, my jacket thrown carelessly across my shoulders. I would unlock the door and let myself in. Draw my curtains and in the darkness, I would sleep until the middle of the day. The night was where I would live. In the daylight, I seemed to die. 

The night was where I would write. And write and write and write. Pages and pages of meaningless words sprawled and tumbling across pages. Meaningless, useless, nothing. Just words. Alone in my room, I would concoct stories of princes and princesses and dragons and white horses that would ride across magic fields and swords that would save the world.

I only wished that someone had told me that life was no fairy tale. A happily ever after ending is for suckers and idiots.

******

There is a full moon tonight.

One of my favourite songs ever since I first heard it was "Dancing in the Moonlight." For me, it conjured up images of people dancing underneath a full moon on top of a mountain. In the midst of summer, perhaps. A nice bonfire in the middle of the dancing crowd. A warm breeze. 

I had dreamed of opening a dance studio where there would be a glass roof and it would only be open at night. And I would hold balls where people would waltz and dance all under the pale moonlight. I would have masquerade balls and the theme would be "black and white" and the music will play and everyone will dance the night away.  

Sometimes, I think that I would have been better suited to the night rather than the day. I am more comfortable with flashing strobe lights, glimmering and gyrating bodies, loud thumping bodies in the middle of the night rather than being in bright daylight, working day after day after day. But no, it is not right. It is wrong. It does not pay the bills. It does not guarantee me a future. 

Who gives a fuck about the future.

The night is endless. Filled with bar staff and whores and musicians and late night chefs and dancers who know the meaning of a night rather than equate it to sleep. Each second of a night passes like infinity. 

And only when the dawn sparkles and the sun raises its head does the denizens of the night scamper away to bed. Until the night comes again.

I like the night.

******

I like the night.

How the skyline sparkles. 

How the wind rushes towards me, caressing my hair, like my wild one. How skyscrapers twirl and spin and dance as I blur my eyes because of my tears. 

How I can dance and not give a damn about what happens. Because the night does not care. The night does not ask for anything but me and whatever I can bring. It does not give a damn. It only wants me. Whatever I want to be.

Hello, my little wild one.

And she smiles. I pull her close to me and breathe in the fragrance of her curls, as black as night.

******

"We need an ambulance, here! Someone just jumped!"

"Oh my god, I don't think he's breathing!"

"Hell, he's lost a lot of blood!"

"Hurry, call 111!"

Rags to Riches

I know I'll go from rags to riches
If you would only say you care
And though my pocket may be empty
I'll be a millionaire

My clothes may still be torn and tattered

But in my heart I'll be a king
Your love is all that really mattered
Its everything - Barry Manilow

One of the happy happy songs I was singing today.

Of course, it sounds like I am in love. 

And of course, I'm not. I just like singing love songs. Nothing wrong with that, is there?

I guess the old self is coming back. +) Hello, me. Good to see you. +D

Um. Okay. Best part of the day spent with the Sociologist on a lazy lazy blisteringly hot Sunday afternoon. Gorgeously enough. Had ice cream and long long conversations on a bench. And then enjoyed a warm summer breeze walking along an empty main street.

Yeah, I'm pleased with that.

A new life. And a disappearance. At last. +DDDD

Teach Me Tonight.

This is the last day of work for me at the Supermarket. I breathe a sigh of relief as I realise that I will never clean up fish and serve fish ever again for the rest of my life.

I also bow my head in regret as I never got to know my colleagues better, especially the awesome ones.

This song has been stuck in my head for a bit. By Barry Manilow, one of my favourites.

Sincerely
Oh yeah, sincerely
Oh, I love you so dearly
Please say you'll be mine

Sincerely
Oh you know how I love you
I'd do anything for you
Please say you'll be mine

Did you say I've got a lot to learn 
Well, don't think I'm trying not to learn
Since this is the perfect spot to learn
Teach me tonight

Starting with the ABCs of it
Getting right down to the XYZs of it
Help me solve the mystery of it
Teach me tonight

The sky's a blackboard high above you

If a shooting star goes by
I'd use that star to write "I love you"

A thousand times across the sky

One thing isn't very clear, my love
Should the teacher stand so near, my love
Graduation's almost here, my love
Teach me
Sincerely
Oh you know how I love you
I'd do anything for you
If you'd teach me tonight, tonight, tonight...

I might do a dance to this. Or else maybe I might just stick to finishing off "Make me Sweat."

I'm quite material-less tonight, I must add. I don't really have anything to contribute. Sigh.

Goodnight world.

Randoms Overachiever

Okay, the title is broken up into two different bits. Randoms for the first part and Overachiever for the second part.

Randoms first.

I'm dreaming of a white....AH FCUK! (accidentally drops tray of fish on floor)

[on hindsight, dreaming of a white FCUK might just be what this messed up person calls for. +) Oh, Blonde Girl......]

Now for Overachiever.

You know, I actually rushed home excited to write this post. Its crazy. Positively crazy. When I am at work, I get all this awesome blogging material just because I'm standing around doing nothing. Or I might have been aimlessly cleaning fish-stinking trays and the chlorine from the bleach has finally messed up my brain somewhat.

I think its a good thing I ended this with you. You know who you are if you read this. 

You know how you used to ask me what my plans in life was, whether I was a motivated person, did I want to achieve success, did I want to climb up the financial ladder?

And perhaps, I don't know, maybe to say yes, to impress you, to think that this was the right thing to do, I said yes.

YES, I wanted to be a motivated and driven person, YES, I wanted to earn twice my starting salary within 4 years, YES, I wanted to climb the financial ladder, YES, I want to achieve success.

But now, you know, I think...no.

No, I don't think so.

I mean, I'm a pretty laidback person. Perhaps, too laidback for your type. You wanted to climb the social ladder so much I think I was out of your plans even before you knew it. You wanted to make it big, earn the big bucks, live the high life, get the house, the car, the mortgage. We were even arguing about who was going to pay the mortgage even before we were even engaged, for goodness sakes! We talked about money and whatnot, so confident that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. 

But you know what?

I don't think I want it. 

I'm pretty happy where I am. Earning as I do, in no real hurry to climb up ANY ladder, living as I see fit, enjoying my first year of working, experiencing a bit of life just the way I wanted. 

The Higher Authorities keep mentioning doing PhDs and improving myself and what other very self-improvement-ish stuff but really, I'm happy. I'm quite happy to stay right here and plonk my butt down and call it a day. Or a year. Or a decade. Or a life.

So in a way, its probably a good thing that we left things as we did. That you know, you could find a better life somewhere else. Because I think, in the long run, it would have been a wayy nastier divorce compared to a breakup over the phone.

You and I are too different. And like a famous blogger quoted recently, the stress of the relationship overtook the happiness of being in one. Totally.

We probably could have worked out short term. But long term? In my midnight dreams. Perhaps.

So that's my profound thought for today. 

Tell me a little story...

About a boy. Who decided that one day, he would grow up and live a happy life and find everything that he sought. And that like all those wonderful fairy tales that he heard about, he would find his princess and they would live a life happily ever after.

This Christmas has been interesting. And weird. And perhaps, thats all I can really say about it. I don't really know how else to describe it.

You know, now, when I think about life, there is less of a big gaping black hole but more of a possible future. I can see myself doing this. I can see myself living life in WangyWangy, far away from the places I knew and am familiar with. I can see myself walking around the hospital, being familiar with the way things run and being an actual physiotherapist. Doing good and earning my karma points day by day with patients, people, myself.

I can see myself doing it. And I think half the trick is in the visualisation of things. I need to imagine. And I need to convince myself that I have not bitten off more than I could chew.

Today has been a weird day. And I still don't know why. Right now, the time is 11.54p.m. and its nearly the end of Christmas. I feel that the Grinch has stolen it from under my nose and I still have yet to realise that. Annoying.

So much.....life out there. Its trapped within a crystal jar, just beyond my reach and I can't seem to get it. 

And to quote the Sociologist (yes, a profound one this time....) : "I wish it was as clear and crisp within me as it was outside."

But somehow, I revel in this darkness. 

After all, I still follow the night. Can't. Stand. The. Light.

Oh yeah.

Perhaps the best thing to appear on my screen for Christmas.

I am now officially allowed to wreck havoc. MUAHAHAHAHA.

Scroogy Christmas

This Christmas feels Scroogy. Dunno why.

And strangely enough, even though it feels Scroogy, it has nothing to do with my finances. Believe it or not...

And it feels weird, for some reason.

I hope next year's Christmas will be better.

This Christmas Eve was spent at the Seafood section, cleaning out gunk and ice and packing fish away. My third last day. Thank God.

Its 11.28pm. And honestly, I wish that my Christmas miracle could possibly come true.

Weirdly as well, I was singing love songs. Words that have not crossed my lips for months start to again and it feels kinda nice. Like before. 

Maybe the old me is coming back again. 

Maybe hope isn't all lost just yet.

And for the rest of you, and welcoming MissLimesodaVodka to my blog...

Merry Christmas.

Sleep well and eat well and dream in peace and may you find actual earnest joy/happiness/love this festive season.

+)

Lazy afternoon

Its 3.05p.m.

The weather is slightly blisteringly hot so that everyone in the house has currently opted for a nap. I'm being serenaded by the sounds of bulldozers.

Skies are also slightly overcast which makes it perfect for heading outside and feeling the heat once more. I'm going to go to work in half an hour...or wait, make that 15 minutes. So just a little update.

Had a good chat to Dory yesterday, late at night and dissecting a new song (for her, old one for me). 

In between yawns and lazy yet quick pecks on the tiny keyboard on which I am perfectly comfortable at present, I am glad that I am only starting work at 3.30 and finishing at the blissful time of 7. Enough time to get dinner, spend some time with family and perhaps even update my WoW character once more.

Yes, folks, I've finally jumped on the WoW bandwagon 4 years after its first appearance.

Another bandwagon that I have jumped off and glad that I did was Facebook. Sooo overrated. And seriously, I need not be poked. I'd rather do the poking. +)

Whether I meet friends or new friends or acquaintances, they ask me, "Are you on Facebook?"

And my jolly answer is, "Nope. And proud of it. But if you want to contact me...my [name of sisters/friends] is on it. So ask them."

Makes life so much easier, doesn't it?

Today is a good day to ponder about life. About love. About the future. About dreams. About stars. About walking on moonshine. About catching falling leaves. About smiling as a familiar fragrance drifts in the air. About hugs and cuddles and laughter.

And you know what? That's all I'm going to do. I'm going to ponder.

I'm not going to try and solve the problems I have regarding all these topics. I'm just going to sit and let them pop by and say hello. I'm going to give them a hug, a kiss, and send them on their way. I'm going to shake their hand and say "Aloha" in a really laidback way and then I'm going to wave them off as they say their farewells. 

No long chats today. No long, serious discussions, as much as I am fond of them. But not today. 

The sun is out and I am feeling lazy. 

So today, I will sit down with a glass of iced lemon tea and ponder everything about me. And smile. Because whether it is sad or it is happy or whatever, its me. And its made me who I am. 

So I'll sit down today and think about my life philosophy. And then I'll say hi to my past. My childhood memories, perhaps. Then I might jump to work and 6am starts and how I finally managed to earn money with my two hands. And after that, ooh, ooh, I might think about dance and all the wonderful things I've learnt and I might ruffle my egoistic feathers just a tad or two by watching my dance performance again. 

Oh my. 

Today will be a good day. Because I say so. +)

Here Pt.1

*Please click on "play" as you read this. It'll add to the atmosphere."

I will be here (Ins) - Steven Curtis Chapman
Tomorrow morning when you wake up

"Its time to go home."

And the sun does not appear

"I don't want to."

I...I will be here

"You have to go home. Please."

If in the dark we lose sight of love

"But that's no longer home."

Hold my hand and have no fear

We hugged.

I...I will be here

"Don't be like me, k? You don't have to suffer like me. See what I am going through. Its not worth it."

I will be here

"We have each other, don't we?"

If you feel like being quiet

"But that's not enough. And you know it."

If you need to speak your mind

"I know. But still..."

I will listen

We hugged again. And she buried her face in my neck.

I will be here

"I know its hard. But you'll be fine. Give it time, ya?"

When the laughing turns to crying

"It'll take so long..."

Through the winning, losing, and trying

"But you'll be fine. I'll let you go."

We'll be together

"I want you to be happy."

I will be here.

"I know that. Remember, I'll always be here for you, k? When you need someone to talk to, I'll be here."

[Words in italics are the lyrics for "I will be here" by Steven Curtis Chapman]

Smile. +)

Smile and no one will ever know how much you detest going to work.

Smile and no one will ever know that you wished you could die.

Smile and no one will ever know that your heart breaks whenever you think of not dancing for a year.

Smile and no one will ever know what you're thinking at the moment.

Smile and no one will ever hear the apologies and the sorrys that you have accumulated over the year.

Smile and no one will ever know your memories because you drown them in your own pool of pity.

Smile and no one will ever know that you're scared to death about everything.

Smile and no one will ever try to understand why you seem so sad.

Smile and no one will ever wonder why you seem to fade out of the picture.

Smile and no one will ever know how how much you don't want to do this.

Smile and no one will ever see beyond the glasses and the laughter.

Smile and no one will ever question why you always talk about death.

Smile and no one will ever imagine a life without you.

Smile and no one will ever think that you're emotional.

Smile and no one will ever realise that you always wear black because you think that's the only colour that fits you.

Smile and no one will ever know that you think you're a freak.

Smile and no one will ever notice when you start to walk away.

Smile and no one will ever know that you want to die a dramatic death so that everyone will remember you for how you died.

Smile and no one will ever remember your tears or remember you crying.

Smile and no one will ever remember you being angry or sad about anything.

Smile and no one will ever think that you have lost more than just a part of yourself.

Smile and no one will ever know that you depend on your egoistic self and your independence to survive.

Smile and no one will ever figure out that you dance to live.

Smile and no one will ever imagine that you think of her. 

Smile and no one will ever.

Ever. 
Ever.
Ever.

Know the difference.

Because no one looks at your eyes anymore. 

As long as the corners of the mouth are upturned and you laugh, people think you're happy. People think that you're fulfilled. No one ever thinks of you as an empty husk of a human being.

You know that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile. 

Because no one ever knows the difference.

Nightmares

Ever since I came back to Dunny, I've been having nightmare after nightmare hit me again and again. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that the late hours and the long working nights and the sleeping in the wee early hours of the morning have contributed somewhat but it has also seemed like all my fears in one place have resurrected themselves and they seem to plague me every time I close my eyes. I must admit, sometimes, I'm lucky and I get away with a sleepless dream and I wake up feeling normal.

Okay, that's my normal me. You see, I usually don't have dreams. Not any kind of dream at all. Its just a blank that I go into whenever I decide to shut my eyes and hibernate for the following 8 hours. 

And I'm usually okay with that.

On the occasion, I do get a dream that I literally do not want to wake up from and will ply myself with tons and tons of alcohol + any other sedative within reach just to get back to Lala land. 

And more often than not, if I do get a dream, its one that disturbs me.

Okay, so I don't need very much to disturb me.

As a child, I would always get some dream or rather about a wild animal chasing me and then as it lunges for me with mouth wide open and fangs glistening, I wake up. Hate that one.

And this year...where do I begin?

Recently, my dreams have been about exams. About being late for exams, about not knowing where the venue is for the exams, about not knowing how to do exam questions, about having exams. In short.

I've also had a dream or two about losing a friend. Guy or girl, it doesn't matter. Its just that s/he's gone and I've lost my entire world.

And last night, boy. I must say that's probably the worst so far.

I dreamt that I managed to piss everyone off. And every single person that I pissed off was someone I held in high regard or else, I considered as a good friend. Every single person.

Dear god.

Now if you think having animals bite you is bad, wait til you have pissed off everyone you like in one sitting.

Made me want to move to WangyWangy even more. Sigh.

I've kinda given up hope on this brain. Whatever la.

Even the nights are better...

Since I've found you.

Oh well.

Tonight, this song played over the intercom and the sentimental me melted just a little.

Tonight, work was rather blah. Nothing interesting. And tomorrow, I'm closing on my own. Should be interesting.

Family comes back tomorrow as well. Should be interesting.

You know what? I kinda officially give up on writing actual nice posts and ones worth reading. I've been trying but honestly, BIG FAIL LA. HOW?

Might just say goodnight here, then.

10.05a.m.

There's a certain comfort in pecking at the keyboard with only one finger. It seems calculated, premeditated, thought out. Somethingl ike writing with a pen in a paper journal then.

Last night, I walked home when the streets were dead. 

God, I miss doing that.

The actual silence of it. The only sound being the distant car being driven somewhere out of sight and my footsteps echoing against the footpath. Yellow mellow streetlamps lighting my way.

I still think I'm more a creature of the night rather than a denizen of the day.

I also watched my dance video. And truth to tell, I'm very very disappointed. I guess being me and being self - criticising, there's so much I can actually say that I did not do well in. I had hoped for more but seriously....I still suck. Enough to the point where I question my dream of even becoming a dance instructor. I don't have it down pat yet. I don't. 

But I guess that's where I learn. And where I become a better dancer from it all.

Can't wait til Simply Ceroc 2009. +)

And I can't believe this year is over. Nearly, that is.

Disorientation

This morning, when I wanted to blog, I couldn't. Because I had no bloggable material that I could actually use.

But this morning when I woke up, I think I can blog now.

Because everything is so fucking topsy turvy.

I woke up this morning and my head was literally in a spin. Received at least 5 texts on my phone all asking random questions and I was completely off my rocker. Couldn't even comprehend anything that was written.

So now, I'm still trying to get my head around things. I think I'm not working today so I can spend some time with the Sociologist who's coming down for a holiday but I'm working every single day until after Christmas next week. Fucking yippee.

Don't mind this.

The recap.

This morning, I woke up at the ungodly hour of 5.30a.m. I had gone to bed at 12.00a.m., struggling to get to sleep for some funny funny reason and now, I was wide awake. Shit.

So I got up, walked around a bit, and then went back to bed. 

The time now is 10.43a.m. I feel a little better. Nose is still blocked in my right nostril but hey, that's okay.

And suddenly, I feel like doing a recap of this year. Shall I?

The Best and Worst Memories of 2008

It was a Saturday morning on the 26th of January, 2008. I moved up to Welly from the comfort zone of Dunny that I have called home for the last 4 years. This time, as I left, I no longer had family to rely on. Everything was just pretty much me. But I moved up with the knowledge that I had friends to see and new friends to make. Both sisters and Singaporean Rambo (LTA) took me to the airport. Sis had tears in her eyes which she masked by putting on her shades. I departed from Gate 8 which meant I had to walk down a flight of stairs.

Arrived in the afternoon around 4ish and took a shuttle that dropped me off 3 streets away from my actual flat. Had a bitch of a time carrying luggage but finally found the flat. Phew. Met the Sociologist and Wallflower. We went out to the Warehouse to pick up little things like cleaners, some basic kitchen utensils, soap, whatnot. Weather was beautiful. We went to dinner at HK BBQ. We had chilli chicken in a claypot. That was really good too. That night, the Sociologist and I stayed up until 4 in the morning drinking milo and talking.

The next day, we woke up at 8ish and decided to head to church. Stumbling upon our way with a map in our hands, we decided to walk AROUND the Basin rather than through it, now a very stupid idea especially with me as a navigator. Found church and I thought I had found my new spiritual home. I was glad. In 2007, there wasn't much of a spiritual life for me. I wanted to start anew. After church, we went for yam cha with a whole bunch of Malaysians, Taiwanese, and Singaporeans and one Filipino. Um. Yeah. And someone asked whether the Sociologist was from CHINA. That was Funny. Wallflower drove us back to the flat after sending Arthur back to his uni hall. That evening, I walked over to find where the hospital was and how long it was going to take me. On my watch, it was going to take me 13 minutes. Went home and prepared for the next day. My first Professional Studies Week. (PSW)

Went to school the next day and met everyone again. It was good to see familiar faces albeit not really knowing them that well. But I saw Chinagirl and we were the only two Asians. It was good to see her. We stuck around each other a lot. Just for the sake of it. You know, Asians against the rest of the white class kinda thing.

Started clinicals a week after and I was thrown headfirst into the cardiopulmonary ward otherwise known as Ward 18. Went around, did a lot of things to patients and made them feel better. I hoped. Also bonded with some of my patients whom I took extra pains to make sure they were really getting better treatment and sometimes, I didn't quite get the results I wanted. Felt really disappointed but hey, what's new. Saw my first terminal case and the next day, the curtains to his room were drawn and his name plate was removed. A solemn day. Also got to see the inside of one of my patient's lungs. That was cool. Scrapped by exams with 4 marks to spare. And bought my first stethoscope. +)

Outside of clinicals, the Sociologist and I had breaky at Mr Bun which lasted an amazing 3 hours or so. Weather continued to be really kind and sunny. Also worked out a lot more often on a playground and I would like to think became a lot more stronger and hunkier. Hee. Went to ceroc and met the DancingSoftwareDeveloper, YC, and the HK couple. Choreographed a routine for the HK couple's wedding dance. Became a taxi dancer and got my first official taxi dancer shirt. Finally met the other flatmates and we had some crazy crazy sessions, more often than not. As well as some really really weird moments. We also had people staying in our flat every other weekend and I guess, that was all right. I didn't really mind.

Church story, sad to say, fell to pieces. I started doubting the church and finally felt really uncomfortable with it so I stopped going. I walked around Welly a lot more trying to find a church I could call home, from the Streets to Central Baptist to Wesley Methodist Church (I swear, that was awesome) to St John's Presbyterian but nothing quite fit the bill. 

I started working at BP with a majority of Indian management and workers. I hated it. Management in particular. The workers were fine. I had early morning starts and some pretty shitty customers. Which was really sad. There was one particular woman, which I would call the BP Bitch that I wished I could strangle and stuff with the LPG refilling hose. But that's a story. Ended work pretty badly and never quoted them on my CV.

Continued clinicals at different places throughout Welly which was both stressful and incredibly rewarding. The Sociologist and I continued to find places to go for breakfast at, including Simply Paris, Cafe L'affare, and Floriditas. On occasion, we met up for lunch at the Dixon Deli.

I continued to explore Wellington like I do, on foot to familiarise myself with my surroundings. Celebrated my birthday with a pancake lunch and two squabbling flatmates with a delicious choc cake and a kids book about me called Little Mr Happy or something or rather. 

Dancewise,  I continued dancing ceroc and started to take up argentine tango with the DancingSoftwareDeveloper. Also met the one chick whom I would term Blonde Girl and write a fictional story on that people actually thought I had gotten laid. Probably one of the best blog posts I've ever written in my entire life.

Workwise, I started a new job at the hospital working as a kitchenhand, washing dishes, pushing food trolleys and taking out garbage. In hindsight, it was a blessing as I earned at the hospital what I earned at BP working half the hours I did.

I broke up with my then girlfriend of 3 and a half years on the 22nd of August, 2008. Crying took 5 minutes and a walk through town with the Sociologist and a Hunger Buster meal. The rest of the year was pretty much plain old BIG BIG denial. It probably left me screwed up as a person emotionally. Bleh.

Then I moved to Levin. Which involved a total shift out of my now comfort zone in Welly. That was pretty shit. But I had the Brit who was my saving grace. Wouldn't know what I would do without him.

At this time, I had also managed to coerce the DancingSoftwareDeveloper into doing a ceroc/tango mix for a showcase performance. We practised every weekend and managed to put it together in my last week in Welly.

Then I flunked my exams. Again. For three years straight, you would think that I would try NOT to flunk. But I did. To empathise with my sorry arse, I ate an entire bucket of KFC. Yeah, you read it right. Between fighting back tears and trying not to eat my own snot, I stuffed more than enough breast meat into my system that I actually felt like a stuffed pot roast. Went back to Wellington that day and was prepped to do specials in 2 weeks time.

Best event of the Year - Doing the Tango Fusion performance with the DancingSoftwareDeveloper to the angsty angsty song of El Tango de Roxanne. I knew we could do it and apparently, we started a sort of tango resurgence in ceroc. How awesome is that? Went for the Simply Ceroc Ball after that and that was pretty awesome as well.

Then I sat my specials and passed it. Phew. I could graduate.

I came back to Dunedin on a bright sunny day. Funny. Funny funny funny.

Funnily though, I was so over graduation it wasn't funny. In fact, I actually wanted to graduate in absentia but then again, parents were going to drag me up on stage even if I didn't want to be there. So thus, I filled out forms and graduated. 

Made a few calls and started looking for a job. And then a hospital somewhere up North in what I will now refer to as WangyWangy gave me a phone interview and a job. I'm starting soon.

Then I met the Little Wild One again. Meeting her was bittersweet as in a past life, she was a best friend, a confidante, a dance partner, a singing partner, a workout buddy and more besides. But things have changed and I moved on with the times with tears in my eyes and a slight longing for what might have been, could have been, would have been.

Went for graduation a week ago. And that's it.

Here I am again. Back to square 1.

Its been a blast, 2008. Cheerios and I'm itching to see what 2009 will bring. As uncertain as it is, I'll take my steps by steps and somehow, some way, I'm going to end up in another place and in a year from now, I'll probably write the recap for 2009 in another blog (most likely!) and yeah. 

Smile and no one will know the difference.

You're in a better place

I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times
I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken
The reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you - Mercy Me

Last night, I had a chat.

And in that chat, I mentioned that I didn't see myself getting married, and neither did I see myself having kids.

I wonder what you thought. You commented but that was in a slightly quiet tone. Hm.

I also chatted to MissPhilosophical this morning. You know who you are. And welcome to my blog. +)

You know, today is weird. Its just weird. I don't really know why either. Its just....that. Its rainy and wet and sobering. Yeah, the word is sobering.

Sky is dark and I'm sniffling. Boo.

Irony

In a world of change, where everyone wants change and governments are changing hands and politicians are stepping up proclaiming their latest propaganda and waving their newly printed manifestos and tossing unclear promises into the air, all I really want is some stability. Some solidness of ground. Some firmness of belief. Some sameness in emotions. Some unchanging changes.

I wish that I could know exactly what is going to happen so thus, I can prepare for it the best that I can. I want to be able to do that. 

But the future lies just ahead, unseen and slightly unclear.

You know how you sometimes spend half the time wondering whether you could actually figure out the future or at least put it into some kind of perspective? Or at least try and plan ahead and write things down in your little scheduler and next thing you know, you get your ass kicked to the curb by some unexpected incident that completely blows your mind?

I sit here at 2.40a.m. in the morning. It is quiet now. I miss typing in the quiet.

No other sound but the computer humming and the keys making their clacky clacky sounds as I put into words my silent thoughts.

I sniff. I think I'm getting a cold. Or maybe not.

Tonight I talked to MediMart and I was talking about how graduation was so overrated. And he said, "You're two years younger than me and already, you're wayy more cynical."

I guess, in a way, I am. Or maybe I just choose to see things in a certain light.

I read someone's blog who's starting line is "Life is like a vacuum...it sucks."

And I reflect on the subtitle of my blog that reads, "Life begins when you want it to."

I kinda like mine better. It speaks of hope and a brighter future...but only if you want it. Which is the main thing, really. A lot of people want a lot of things. But sometimes, they can only see the depth of the well and choose to ignore the rope and the bucket that is right in front of them.

I think its time I reached for that rope. And make something happen.

Those were the days.

I don't know.

There's something exciting about typing and writing a little entry where everyone is reading it. Yes, very exciting indeed. Gosh.

Good times.

I'm youtubing old videos that I've not heard/seen for ages.

And gosh. I miss the old days.

Where you know, where I didn't really know what love was all about just yet. Where my vision of love was all fantastic and dreamy and all that. Where I only wished for someone. 

I guess in this respect, I think that there are some things better worth anticipating rather than actually having. Do you think so?

Too many

Too many tears
So many unanswered questions
Too many thoughts 
That I cannot mention

Too many times
I've felt I've regretted
Too many words

I'd wished I'd never spoken

Chorus
But why

Why do I think that I'm doing something right?
Why does it feel
Why does it feel all right?

But why 
Why does it feel like my life's beginning?

So maybe I'll stay

Or maybe there's just too many 

Smiles

I've been trying to forget
Laughs
I wished that I have never met
You

Sometimes I wished I've never said

"I love you"

'Cos all these are broken promises
A dream that can't possibly happen

So all I did was smile

And no one knew the difference

Chorus

But why

Why do I feel that I'm doing something right?
Why does it feel

Why does it feel all right?

But why
Why does it feel like my life's beginning
So maybe I'll stay

Or maybe there's just too many 

Too many too many too many too many....

"Whys"

Copyright @ Poet Dec 2008.

You heard it here first.

***

It's been a while since I've written any songs.

Last one I wrote was for the Ex, entitled, "Baby, it's Cold" and apparently, very very puke-inducing to the Sociologist who was probably the last one to ever hear it. Meh. ><

So at the moment, I'm back in Dunny, a world away from Queenstown which looks spectacular even in rainy weather. It's a Saturday morning at 10.35a.m. I haven't quite eaten anything yet and my stomach is making itself known quite loudly as well. Sigh.

So, in regards to inspiration for the song...I don't know where to begin, actually. I've had too many thoughts and too many things to think about, especially after coming back down to Dunny from Welly. And with graduation and finding a new job and moving to a new place (yet again!!), yeah, it just keeps happening. Just keeps coming. And I basically just push through it all. You konw, face it again and again.

In a text message to the Sociologist, who inquired about my thought processing yesterday, I mentioned that, "I'm pretty much just going to give up aye. Can't be bothered anymore trying to filter out thoughts. I'll just let my head think when it wants to." 

So this is it.
Me tired. +(

Define the Line

*truly a diarrhea of words. Worse than my olive oil + lemon juice tryouts. Nothing is really going to make sense as throughout this entire holiday, I've been thinking wayy too much and I need to live a little more. But the brain has gone on hyperdrive and I've been doing way too much thinking for my own good. So thus, a detox. Mental, of course.

So what truly separates a best-friend-ship and a relationship? Where is the line drawn? And if it is drawn, is it a thick line or a thin one? Does the occasional knowing flirting happen but is still kept way behind the line, out of respect, out of fear, out of ignorance, out of desire?

Funny, really. You know, I've always wanted a good girl that I can turn naughty. 

Yes, you read right. And you saw right. Perhaps, I'm going to shock you in more ways than one. Fair enough.

How much of a girl do I lead on? Or how much of a girl do I need to avoid to get rid of that feeling? I don't want to be confused anymore. I wish that things were more certain, especially on my part. I wish that the holidays were over.

I like Queenstown. I actually would say that I love Queenstown. Its an awesome place to be in. Even possibly to live in. Little topaz gems sparkle outside my window as streetlights are turned on and the occasional blue and white from construction sites and cars and bedroom windows.

I wish I could start working. I want stability. Certainty. I want a sense of direction. Often, I take a bit of comfort in the knowledge that I have a job now but after that, there is nothing that actually guarantees some form of security for me. And with this whole holiday, everything is fscked up.

I'm having fun. Yes, I am having fun.

I am having fun.

I am having fun.
I am having fun.
I am having fun.

Donoogle.com

For everyone who wants an extra karma point by you know, doing some good to people and especially if you've always felt a bit bad about not contributing to society or charities, this is a good way to go.

Use Donoogle.com.

It basically sends a little money to the charity of your choice (WWF, Oxfam, or Unicef) with every single search you do. And apparently, its legit. If you want to check it out, you can drop by and click the "About Us" link on the top left hand corner of the Donoogle website. Or else, just trust me. *shark smile.* "Fish are friends, not food!!

And since I'm biased that way, I'm choosing Unicef. +DDDD

So do your bit for little kids around the world.

Make you Happy

I was born to make you happy.

***

On a side note, I don't think I can ever be a professional blogger. As much as I like blogging, I sometimes lapse so far in between posts that my readers probably think I'm dead.

Last night, I went to the Bar for a bit of dancing. 

Atmoshere was slightly more lively now, especially with more people attending and a lot more people showing off. The air was boistery with people singing karaoke and us trying to dance to Mambo No.5. A hell of a song to dance to. Never. Ever. Again. I guess some people can pull it off but moi, probably not.

And as I sat there, with the coloured lights spinning and the music pounding through my ears and I watched dancers spinning and spinning and twisting, I wondered what really made me happy.

As in truly truly truly happy.

What makes you happy?

For me, its a combination of little little things. Its getting in a dance in an impromptu moment. Its perfecting a song down to the last beat. Its feeling the pervading passion of a dance. Its eating indomee at 3pm with a perfectly fried egg and getting the awesome first bite. Its Maccas at 3am in the morning with a Big Mac Attack. Its watching a sunset with someone who truly matters. Its stealing a kiss in the morning and seeing her smile. Its holding hands, never mind the sweatiness, never mind the stares or the looks or the gossip. Its watching a movie and having her snuggle up close. Its feeling free after exams. Its laughing until you can't breathe. Its doing a random spin down the street and smiling at the people smiling bemusedly back at you. Its talking with a close friend and saying nothing really worth saying but its all worth it anyway. Its running away for a 3 hour period and its all good. Lunch on the waterfront. Its a moment where I'm just lying on the couch, content. Its on the dance floor, heart pounding, sweating pouring down and I smile at you and you smile at me and its being lost in the moment, lost in the beat.

What makes you happy?

And if it makes you happy, what would you to do to keep it? Or to at least make sure its always there? 

And again, this question haunts me. What would I do if I wasn't afraid? 

In regards to a previously titled "Subtitle", I'm quite happy to divulge the series of questions I usually ask.

Okay, just in regards to these questions, I ask them especially to people I've just met as a sort of icebreaker thing in order to get to know them a little better. And then I decide whether I like them or not. Kidding. +)

1. Would you die in extreme heat or extreme cold?

2. If you had a partner/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend and s/he was to leave you for someone else, would you rather s/he leave you for a guy or a girl? Reasons why required. 

3. Imagine someone really close to you sick with something, in constant agonising pain and s/he is going to die. And s/he asks you to take a gun and shoot them as an act of mercy, would you do it?

Reasons why required.

4. Imagine someone gives you a bag full of fake ID, passports, and 50,000 Euros and asks you to disappear. In return, he will give you  a whole new identity but the twist is that you have to leave your entire current existence behind and not keep in contact with anyone from your old life. Will you do it? Reasons why or why not required.

Feel free to do it. And if you want to post answers, please comment. +) Would love to see what responses I get.

Rightyo. That's the end for blogging today. 

Job interview

Today, I made a call to my future employment avenue.

"Hi, K. I know this sounds really idiotic but I would like to know whether I got the job? 'Cos I couldn't be sure after the phone interview..."

A lot of laughter.

And then...

"Oh, Poet...when you mentioned over the phone that you're quite keen to start and that you're quite willing to accept the job, you've basically gotten it."

So yups.

So begins my life in this new place.

Now, the only thing I need to do is to quit the Butchery. I'm so not looking forward to it. Especially since the Butcher is looking at me taking on more shifts during the Christmas period. And I'm on holiday leave right now.....yup. Hm.

Had a good chat with the Sociologist last night. A lot of laughter and moo-ing sounds.

Yeah, so that's my life so far. 

Hm.

Hypothetically speaking.

So lets say, you and me. Yeah, you. And me. How about it then? Doable? Possible? Feasible? 

I'm curious
I wanna know how you look without your dress
When your make up's off, your hair's a mess

On top of me kissin' my chest                  - Danny Fernandes, INTRO album

But...

Its you and me
Let me play the lead role in your wildest dream
So baby tell me what's your fantasy
Matter fact, just kick back
I'll show you things you'll never believe - Danny Fernandes, INTRO album

Too much Danny Fernandes at 8.00a.m. in the fricking morning. Awesome.

Subtitle

I think the little subtitle thing says it all on my blog. 

"Life starts when you want it to."

I sometimes wonder whether I'm holding back on life. Whether I choose not to live life not because I don't want to but more to because I'm afraid. I'm freaked at the possibilities so I would rather stay in the status quo. 

One of the questions I always ask people I've just met is the question of whether you would run away and start life afresh as a totally new person with an entirely new life separate from the one you had before. A lot of people answer in the negative, choosing to stay in the life they have now. Some quote the fact that they have nothing to leave their current life for while others mention their loved ones and their families and friends as the reason to stay. And others....well, their reason for staying is because they want to be in their comfort zone. They want to be comfortable. 

Am I wanting to be comfortable?

I must admit, this year, 2008, is one of the most uncomfortable years perhaps, in my entire life. I have lived a sheltered life, I must confess, being coddled and pampered and having all the shit in my usually taken care of and now, I'm at the brink of adulthood. [yes, i consider myself not grown up yet and have only just begun to find out what the hell being grown up is all about] This year is all about new and uncomfortable experiences. I can state the highlights and the lowlights but perhaps, in another post. Maybe closer to the end of the year, perhaps.

Today, its 7.11a.m. I woke up early for some reason. I'm not quite sleeping well anymore. I don't know why. I won't say its nerves. If I could get back to sleep, I would but I'm getting tired of sleeping on the couch. Give me a bed and I'll forgo walking across the bloody stage.

TaekwondoKid just walked out of his room and asked me if I was nervous. 

Heck, no.

Honestly, I think I've been waiting and wanting this for so long that I have become completely immune to the idea that I'm graduating. I actually think my entire family is more psyched up about me graduating rather than me being all giggly and nervous. Or maybe on a subconscious level, I actually am nervous. Sigh. 

But ever since I left good ole Levin for home and the now upcoming graduation, I was tired of it all. After the special exam that I sat on the 25th of October that actually enabled me to pass and graduate (just!!), I came home not really expecting anything else to happen. Now, please don't take this as a sign of arrogance, that I expected myself to pass. In all honesty, for some reason, I wanted to fail. I wanted to have to suffer for it all. Don't know why. Perhaps I'm just sadistic that way.

When you start pursuing a degree in university or college or at least a qualification outside of high school, you look forward to the day that you're done with it. The day that you can hold up your piece of toilet paper high in the sky and say that you're [insert noble and self-important title here]. You look forward to it, you want it to happen, everything that you've done for the last [insert number of years of uni/college needed to obtain toilet paper] years revolves around it. It becomes the utmost important thing in your life. 

Fair enough.

But what happens when you finally reach apathy? Or shall I say hit rock bottom and decide to become apathetic?

I mean, seriously.

I don't care anymore.

I honestly, honestly don't care.

Well.

Another thing to do on my bucket list.

Graduate? Check.

Yep. That's it, folks. The world's worst physiotherapist has just been unleashed. Mwahaha.

The Beginning.

Its 12.20a.m.

I am writing this on the day of my graduation. As of today, I am officially considered a new graduate physiotherapist. I am "licensed to touch" so to speak.

Its 12.23a.m.

Its late and my father is snoring. Mum is clipping her fingernails. Sis is conked out on the couch. I hear the washing machine spin through the door. My fingers run lightly over the keys as I type this. Its a small laptop and in some ways, I'm still getting used to the space.

Its 12.29a.m.

I am scared shit with the idea that I am going to graduate. I can't believe it. It's ironic beyond belief. I will be working as a real health professional doing things to people who are paying me money for my services. Am I really cut out for this?

12.31a.m.

I really should go to sleep. But I can't believe I'm going to graduate. My mum has to mention that I didn't study well for the last 3 years of my life, that I was continually distracted. Okay. Fine.

12.32a.m.

The light is yellow and I'm sitting at this wooden dining table writing out the beginning of my working professional life. Well, not so much beginning rather than the licence to begin a professional career. I kinda officially start work in a few weeks time. But yet....oh my. 

12.34a.m.

Parents are asking me to go to bed as I need to wake up tomorrow morning. They want me to go to sleep.

I still can't believe I closed on seafood tonight. I'm working hard labour for shit pay and I'm graduating tomorrow.

Yes, I'm getting all stuck up already because I'm going to be holding a degree. Pft. I know. Bad, right?

12.37a.m.

I've GOT to go to bed. Yeah, I know. 

Goodnight.