Eyes wide shut.

I remembered writing a blog post on a now deceased blog a year or so back, after an intense analysis of relationships and the heartaches involved, I wrote,

When I first fell in love, I jumped in head first, heart open, my eyes wide shut, my arms flung out, ready to embrace whatever came my way, ready to live and ready to love. But now, I hold back at the line drawn between sanity and insanity, heart broken, my eyes wide open, distrusting, and my arms held in a boxer’s pose, ready to give some hurt right back if necessary.

Hm.

Sometimes, I hate the fact that I have become so cynical. I do not like the fact that I treat the world with disdain and sometimes, I have given up on the idea that there is still some good in this world. My tongue is sarcastic, my thoughts wary, and my heart shut. Sure, I still treat people in my line of work and perhaps, that’s just the professional side of me coming through. Supply and demand, dealing with things. Just the usual. Treat customers la dee da.

But looking at the personal side of things, I just don’t know.

One thing that I found that I missed when the French Lady and I got together was that we didn’t seem to talk anymore. And no, I don’t mean that there was that freezing glacier between us and we didn’t speak to each other.

But when we were friends, we talked about everything and anything under the sun. We used to sit on the footpath outside my place and look at the stars and she, being the more knowledgeable one about stars and all that, would always point out the Southern Cross and Orion’s Belt and the Big Dipper. Now, when I look at the sky, the first thing I look for are those three constellations and Lord forbid if it doesn’t remind me of her.

There was one day she stormed in to meet me for lunch and she had been upset over an implementation of the law in Utah where feticide was to be considered a crime and the mother of the child, jailed no matter what caused the pregnancy to fail. We had a bit of a row and I was her least popular person on her list for a bit until I read that article and we could discuss it more calmly. But little things like that.

I missed those talks. I do.

And our Thursday meet ups for lunch at Maccas. My little reprieve throughout the week. I think, before the last meal, we talked then. We talked about little things that happened throughout the day and what was going to be happening later and little things like that. Yeah. I enjoyed that.

But things have changed now.

Especially after the break up, the initial plan was to remain friends. There were a few phone calls in between, as much as we knew that we shouldn’t. Tears were shed, frustration grew.

But she grew strong and since then, I have been the weak one. I’ve attempted to contact her twice (and she’s smart enough to not reply, thank goodness!) otherwise, I would have been the puddle beneath her favourite white shoes. We both knew deep down inside that none of us (oh wait, I shouldn’t speak for her so yeah, me) was not yet ready for contact. And when I will be, I don’t have a fricking clue.

But I read this and honestly, this just makes me smile. I think the ole’ romantic is still in there, somewhere.

And oh. Lena Horne passed away on Sunday night. R.I.P to one of the voices that rocked my world of music.

Time for work. And have a ball, wherever you are.