Tinged.

 

Its inexplicable, really. Hard to explain, dunno how to explain, so I’ll leave things just like that.

I’m not even really sure what I’m talking about right now.

Its late at the moment. 12.18a.m. on the 30th of December, 2009.

It’s been a year. And its a year that I can barely fathom that have slipped through my fingers like quicksand.

No, this isn’t one of those review posts that goes through the entire year. I’ve written one before and it ended up being more of a mumble jumble because though I’ve grown rather comfortable enough to be able to release things like my name and some things about me, I’m still private enough that unless I really let things loose and tell all, you readers will probably still have no idea what is going on. I like to tell things in bits and pieces so that people that are actually close to me will understand whereas everyone else will struggle to do so.

I’ve got Kenny G on at the moment and its soothingly quiet music at this time of the night. I guess I’m in one of those moods where I don’t want something loud and blaring in my ears. And I think this music is best suited when I’m in a bit of a thinking mood at the moment.

I don’t know how to explain this. Its like everything, absolutely everything is tinged with sadness. Everything drips of tears. Salty, fat tears that run down cheeks and struggles to hang on chins before gathering and plopping down onto wet earth.

I’m not sure how to explain this but that’s how it feels.

I’m in one of my midnight rants again. I used to write like this a lot especially in my part time working days. Late night work always seem to inspire me to write a lot as I would think of blog topics while I was cleaning trays and cabinets of the eternal stench that is fish.

The Higher Authorities are leaving this afternoon for home.

And honestly, I feel ready to end my holiday as well. I think one as prolonged as mine was and is good but I think I’m ready to go back to work now. Now that’s something I thought I would never really say. But guess what? I’ve just said it. Damn stupid.

Kenny G’s Alone is playing and it feels right. Right now, sitting on this grey couch with sleeping bag and pillow and knowing that when I stretch out, this couch is exactly the right size for me. It feels good to be alone.

Don’t mind me being emo, by the way. I get these occasional mood swings. I was once mentioned to have PMS worse than girls.

And by the way, I’m thinking of ending the blog. For good.

But I’ll sleep on it.

Bloodstained.

I’ve been playing “God of War 2” for the last few days and the amount of bloodshed that I’ve been responsible for on screen has been shocking. But after all, with a game like that, the more brutal the kill, the more red orbs you get and the more upgrades you can get out of it.

It seems that December seems like one of those months where you get a lot of things going on. With the whole thing about Christmas, there’s the event, there’s the time you spend with family, there’s the time that you do everything and anything under the sun, with friends, acquaintances, work colleagues. It’s supposed to be that time of joy and happiness, where everyone is in the holiday mood and the presents you get people are well thought of and everything just sparkles as brightly as the star upon that Christmas tree, fake or real, that you’ve set up in your living room.

And kids still believe in Santa and being good and write letters telling Santa what they want and they lay out cookies on little tables next to the chimney just in case Santa gets hungry and he can come down and have something to eat and a bit of milk just to help those slightly burnt cookies go down a little better.

And there’s socks hanging from the mantelpiece with names lovingly embroidered into each, awaiting the full happy laughter of kids in the morning.

I think I’m just getting more and more cynical as I grow up.

But I guess the cynical perspective keeps me alive, keeps me hungry for more.

Hm.

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs as of late and I’ve found some pretty darn good ones to read. I think its such a pity that a lot of Malaysian blogs aren’t as exciting to read, mine included. So that’s why I’m always trying to find something new to add on to my Reader list. None of my friends blog enough. But thanks, Dory, your update revived my faith in humanity. =D

Here’s one.

But its dinner time and its time to go.

See you soon.

Close my eyes.

Do you see anything?

“No.”

Now rub your eyes. Do you see the stars?

“Yes.”

*excerpt taken from “The Fall.”

***

Christmas is quiet this morning. For some reason or perhaps since I’ve always been brought up to see Christmas as something fanciful and colourful and glowing and bright and sparkly.

But its not, really.

Yeah, sure, no doubt, there are presents and stuff. I guess.

But after all that…no.

It doesn’t sum it up at all.

Am I questing for a deeper meaning in life? Perhaps.

But bliss as I know it is somewhere further up north. And its bliss that I don’t have this Christmas.

Oddity.

It feels odd to be here.

No, no, nothing happened. I’m just in windy Welly again. Catching a plane down to Dunners for Christmas and the like. Just the usual.

It feels odd to be here, though.

I must say, the idea of travelling heaps seem to really grow on me. I think I can get used to it.

Its funny how quickly I get used to checking my ticket in, carrying my bags as far as I need to go, stuff like that.

There’s soft blues-y jazz music playing in the background, something like a precursor to Christmas. And weather is absolutely stellar out there today.

Probably will finish this post on the plane. =D

Adieu and farewell. And I’ll be back here again soon.

Belated Blog Anniversary

I just realised tonight, that my blog turned 1 just slightly more than two weeks ago. Wow.

I started this blog on the 5th of December, 2008, the night before my graduation.

And when I first started writing this blog, I felt that I was quite…cynical. Quite pissed off about a lot of things. I had also recently deleted a blog that I had maintained on and off but on most occasions quite consistently for the past three years. I didn’t think I wanted to blog again. Sure, I switched blogs now and again. I switched blogs from different blog sites but I always went back to that one.

Then a bad thing happened and I ended up deleting all my memories of what happened. I wrote so many things there that I wanted a fresh new start with no paper trails, nothing to identify that whatever happened, happened. I wanted to start life afresh and anew and I wanted to leave everything behind me. So thus, that blog met its demise.

But damn.

I guess there are some memories that stay in your head more. And it doesn’t ever go away.

Hm.

This blog documented when I first arrived here in Wangas. It mentioned the fact that I was scared shit about coming here. That I wasn’t confident at all with what was going to happen. Sure, I put on a brave face for most of it but I still felt quite scared. It was my first time moving to some place completely new. I had the InternPharmacist (or he should actually be called the Pharmacist now because he’s passed his registration exams and all) but that was it. We only met on the third day at work. And even then, it was…yeah. We became better friends, if anything.

Then there was the whirlwind of doing ballroom, competiting in ceroc competitions for the first time and winning 3rd place, choreographing routines, registering as a amateur ballroom dancer, finding salsa, doing ruedas and doing dance street invasions. And after all that jazz, oh yeah, there was work too.

Work was all right. Something I probably won’t elaborate on too much but meh.

I’m wondering what next year will bring.

This Christmas again, is going to feel odd. Not sure why but I’m just pretty sure it will. But anyway, Christmas is probably overrated.

Work time.

***

The lucky ones are the ones that die young. Truly.

Whatever crap about “God loving them more” might be true as well.

Scrambled.

Thoughts feel really scrambled this morning. Like a bowl of scrambled eggs. But I guess that’s normal, isn’t it?

Parents keep asking me to relocate to Dunners. I’m not sure if I’m ready to make that choice.

I want to get myself a 1 bedroom flat. But again, I’m not ready to make that choice.

I’m crossing my fingers for a desktop. And again, I’m not sure if I want to make that choice.

I want to jump back on the dancing circuit, A.S.A.P. But this time, I know I want to make that choice and I’m ready. Toss me the the chance and I’m out of here!

I want to make a career change. But looking at the fate line on my hand and seeing how it crosses over my heart line and head line, I’m wondering how long time is in relation to millimetres because I’m not sure if I can wait until the point my fate line goes off at a  tangent.

I’ve got 2 days until leave.

And the only song that puts a wicked grin on my face is 4 to the Bar’s “Make Me Sweat.”

Bowel Purge

So I had a great weekend. Plenty of dancing, tired my feet out. When I woke up, I had to crawl out of bed like the long haired ghost girls in Ju-On and the Ring. But once I got back on the dance floor, man, I could go on forever.

But on Sunday evening…

I spent it clutching the toilet bowl, pretty much. Trying to get as much of my bowels emptied as possible. Well, call this the one time I was multitasking efficiently. Not a pretty sight. Whoops. Didn’t mean to have you all trying to work with the visuals.

But just chatted with a friend who mentioned that there was a bug of sorts going around getting people ill. And I might have been one of them. Ah well. Tough shit, isn’t it?

Currently, I’m uploading dance videos taken from the salsa weekend. And its taking so bloody long……

But anyways.

Pretty cool shot to sum up the weekend. Crazy + colourful + fun = best times ever.

Tis late and me sleepy. Got work tomorrow.

Hopefully when I wake up, my stomach is calm enough that I don’t feel like throwing up when I talk to people.

Graduation Day Blues

An acquaintance of mine graduated over the weekend.

I didn’t really know her. She was a friend of a friend of a friend but I think we might have met and said hi, briefly. That was it.

Though a friend of mine did make it into the shot. Hey MediMart! Congrats if you read this!

Looking through her 87 or so photos on Facebook (seriously, no better place to stalk someone than Facebook. You can even browse their photos when you’re not friends with them. How dumb is THAT?), the little scenes and pictures and backgrounds were all familiar territory. In fact, not so long ago, I took my photos at those exact same spots.

But she looked happy. I wasn’t.

Perhaps I was over psyching myself up for it. I was bored, I couldn’t be bothered, I thought it was just another ceremony.

But man. Everyone looked so happy. It was another phase of their lives over. It was the end of university, where they would come out and celebrate and start the work of the rest of their lives.

Maybe they worked hard for it. You know, they actually put in hard work and effort and you know, actually deserved it. Thus the ear-to-ear grins and smiles on their faces as they wore the gowns and trenchers. (I think that’s what its called.)

For me, it was more of a “Meh. So what.”

But in retrospect, I guess I would like to be able to smile and congratulate people and myself and tell myself that this is what I’ve worked for and this is all worth it and I’m looking forward to starting the work of the rest of my life rather than b*tching about it the entire day. Heck, my entire family was more psyched up about my graduation than I was.

Funny. I had always imagine graduation to be one of the happiest days in my life. Instead, it turned out to be rather mediocre event.

And all I got was a piece of paper worth 4 years of graduate school fees and being smacked on the head with a trencher.

Late.

I asked the my old DanceMentor if I was too late with trying to pursue an amateur ballroom championship. Many in my shoes have been dancing for years, if not decades by the time they reach my age.

He shook his head briefly, smiled at me, and said, “Of course not. Ever since I first met you and watched you dance, I knew you had talent.”

Reassuring words. Indeed.

I browsed through pictures of him in his heydays burning the floor with his dance partner. And if anything, all I can really do is to aspire and be inspired by him.

I took a palm reading quiz on Facebook and when asked about my fate line, maybe it was the morning light. Or maybe my glasses needed to be changed again. But my fate line was short. Health line, non existent. Life line, curved and long. Perhaps a death at 40 might not be so obviously in plan for me, after all.

But looking at my palm, my fate line goes from my head line and intersects through my heart line, where it takes a slight angle off towards my index finger. Does this mean that I’ll leave something head-oriented and go for something heart driven? Or maybe not?

Internet wasn’t quite working this morning and it completely pissed me off. However, it only took a simple restart of the system to get the juices running again.

Dear lord, I am tired.

Although I may get the Simply Ceroc Showcase DVD today. Something to look forward to.

***

You know how sometimes, the dark, twisted, sick, perverted side is a little too hard to ignore?

Yeah.

Dragged out.

Ah…..good morning.

Well, not really. My body dragged me out of bed this morning at the deity forsaken time of 6.41a.m. But truth to tell, the brain was awake even before 6.30a.m. Because my alarm rang and I was anticipating it. Ugh.

So I’ve been up for a while now. Surfing the net, checking emails and blogs and whatnot and uploading some forgotten pictures from my phone.

Work was all right yesterday. Wasn’t too busy and hey, I always enjoy a quieter day or so. Went through a number of patients as per usual but man, at 1630, I was ready to bail out the door.

Salsa was not particularly spectacular, although I had a really good zouk dance with KindEyes. When there was a lull in the music, we pulsed back and forth to the little tics in the music. Beautiful. And did a mini layback as well which was quite nice. It’s all in the knees!

Today is going to be a shorter day, for which I am grateful for. And plus, I think it will be good that I take the last hour off to go and do some stuff in town, run some errands, etc and just wind down today.

Man, I blog in such a boring manner.

And honestly, there’s nothing like a good barbecue. Whether its makeshift from a metal basket thing with bricks and pieces of firewood or a flashy gas burner thing, things always taste better coming off the barbie.

Which reminds me. I have lamb chops…..for breakfast? Huh.

And stay tuned for a long delayed post on this thing. +D

Status Quo

After 11 glorious days of being away and slacking off pretty much every single day, it feels odd to be up again, dressed in work clothes and knowing that you’re going back to the the whole 8 to 4.30 grind.

Just checked on my blog stats today and noticed that I seem to get the most readers on Monday. Interesting. Not really too sure why but I’m taking the possible answer that my blog provides enough comic relief for some people at the start of their week so that they probably won’t need to read my blog again until the following Monday. +D

I’ve got a photofest in my phones and I’ll desperately need to update them soon. Interesting, what I can always seem to find from old photos.

Right now, I’m being a slug underneath my duvet covers. Its warm and toasty down here and I don’t really see a point in getting up. But hey, who DOES see the point in getting up on Monday mornings? Heh.

And in a way, I’m looking forward to going back to work again. It’ll be nice to see my colleagues and see how everything is going.

I sometimes wonder why God made getting out of bed on Monday mornings one of the hardest things to do in the universe. Honestly.

But yes. Time for breaky and work. Tootles.

Cold.

This is what Dunny reminds me of.

The cold, such a perpetual factor in every aspect of student life in Dunny.

The cold that seemed to seep in past your clothes, skin, and bones and penetrate the deepest parts. I would huddle under blankets, comforters, sought refuge in front of heaters and fireplaces just to keep myself warm.

The usual posture of shoulders hunched, chin tucked to chest, scarf, and arms folded across chest while you headed off for your next series of lectures in the freezing wind.

And every winter, there would be the frost. The snow. The cold snap of air in your face as you headed outside.

I took no pleasure in snow. I’ve never been one to enjoy cold weather. Sure, it was nice as long as you were warm and toasty. Once you’re suffering the misfortunes of a leaky flat and a cold room, you start to get over it.

But forget the snow, forget the frost. It was always the cold.

The cold lingered, it seemed, in the background of your mind.

Even when the sun blazed and everyone commented about how good the weather was, it always seemed to be cold. In the tiny nooks and crannies, in the little places, the chill took up residence, waiting for the moment that the sun would disappear like a puff of smoke. And it would wrap its tentacles around you and the sudden shiver could not be suppressed.

Sigh.

In a way, I’m glad I’m going back to a place with 20+ temperatures and my own comfy bed.

And this line made my day. +)

Leave 3

Dunners is definitely trying hard to keep me here.

Weather today was cool yet sunny, warm yet chilly, and the skies were blue and there was not a cloud to be seen for miles.

Well, if I was to say that, I might be lying just a little bit. There were clouds but the skies were a sapphire blue I've not seen for a while here in this part of the Antartic circle.

Was getting the ole passport edited and stuff and there was this girl sitting about 2 metres away from me. Pale, skinny little thing. Pretty face, though.

She was holding a few sheafs of paper in her hands. Very official looking. Dressed all in black, her fair countenance contrasted with her thick black jacket and dark brown hair that curled over her cheeks.

She thrusted her hand in her pocket, pulled out her cellphone and flipped it open. And then she kind of looked up in front of her and smiled to herself.

I wonder what she was smiling about. Wondered what put that smile on her face.

Her thin little fingers quickly tapped a reply back and all the while, she had this grin on her face that honestly made me curious.

Now, if I wasn't so chicken, I would have sat down and asked her what was so funny. But because I'm a wuss, I tend to just sit back and speculate.

Amazing pictures of the weather here to be posted up shortly. But in the meantime, I've got to get myself a new bag. And a new blog template.

Tootles.