This made me laugh/Ignorance IS bliss.

Honestly, having a dirty mind sometimes just makes life so much more bearable.

And if you don’t get it, its okay. The rest of us will just laugh and you can figure it out later.

This was taken on a dark hill overlooking Welly. Sometimes, it looks pretty nice.

***

On a more serious note, I figured that ignorance can actually be bliss. And I found out how.

Today, while screening someone’s notes, I read the comment, “Patient is pleasantly confused.”

Initially, I snickered over it, thinking, “How on earth can anyone be pleasantly confused? What an idiot.”

Then I met the dear old patient.

She was indeed, pleasantly confused, if anything else. She smiled and wandered aimlessly up and down the hallway, wanting to stick her nose into everyone’s business and even when they responded rudely, she just smiled and toddled off someplace else to annoy someone or look into something.

Ignorance, truly bliss, perhaps?

Who knows, eh?

But I would hate to be in her shoes. Or hate to be in that state of mind.

So caught up in my own little confused world that I end up being a nuisance to everyone else around me.

I would also hate to end up like Miss Personality Disorder, snapping one moment, smiling sweetly the next. Terrible to a t, that my own family does not want me home.

Kill me before that ever happens. Please.

Food food and other stuff.

As I live in this glorious place called Wangy, there obviously isn’t very much for me to do besides the usual things like work. And exercise. And run. And….dance. And…uh….eat, sleep, and you know….stuff.

So to deal with my boredom, I’ve picked up cooking.

No, not that I’ve not cooked before but I cook a significant amount more now compared to before.

I made pizza one morning.

mmm…topped with cheesy goodness

I also took a picture of the main street on Saturday morning.

its very very quiet…shhh

And took pictures of the river on a nice day.

And this was taken after work one evening. The skies were just right and it was a good day at work. And I felt I needed some more pictures of this damned place.

This path you see before you is the path I walk back every single day when I head back home. Honestly, the day was much better than what you see in the pictures.

And in the mornings, when I see nice sunlight filtering through the trees onto the grass, I take out my trusty phone and snap pictures.

And a close up just because I can.

This one is one of my favourites. You know how in art class, we used to be taught to paint the evening sky a variety of shades from orange to blue? Yeah, this would be the perfect one. With black trees as a foreground.

Its a beautiful thing, it is.

Its late and I have to get to bed because I have work (and dance! Yay!) tomorrow morning.

Dark Blurred.

Last time I wrote a blurred storyline, I drew the imagery of the fine line between reality and fantasy being blurred together, so close that you’re unable to tell the difference between what is real and what is not.

This is another one of those stories. There’s truth and there’s untruth. Which is which is up to you to decide.

It was just another normal day at the hospital.  People came to visit, nurses stood by drawing blood, chatting to patients, dispensing pills. Doctors on their rounds. Patients walking slowly with their IV drips. In wheelchairs. In chairs. On walking frames. On crutches.

Just another normal day.

He was sleeping. Probably was sleeping. His eyes were shut and his chest rose and fell slowly with each breath. Funny. He was never able to do that when he was awake. He would literally hyperventilate in front of my eyes.

I bent over his bedside and tapped him lightly on the shoulder.

“Bob.” He stirred. “Bob.”

“Wha..?” He sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes.

“I can help you.”

“Help me with what?

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“The sunrise. Yes. The sunrise.” He patted my hand. “Thank you.”

“You got the gun ready?”

“You’d better believe it. I’ve had it for 4 years and I’ve never figured out when to take the shot. Now, I think I know.”

“Got two bullets?”

He looked puzzled.

“One’s for me.”

“Deal.”

Three people. Three individuals wanting to die for all different reasons. But they all sought death. And they would all meet. At Suicide Point.

A beginning to a book I would probably never finish writing. But what the heck. At least I started, right?

Miss Personality Disorder.

So, Mrs X, do you have a walker at home?

Do you want to talk to my solicitor? I can give you his name.

Uh...

But you're a very sweet boy, and I'm sure you'll go a long way. *smiles*

And for this emoticon, which I have never ever used but will use now.

-_-""

Reading through her file, I find out that her abusive behaviour (believe me, what is above is nothing compared to her usual self) and whatnot is common practice. And she's been diagnosed with a personality disorder.

Today was one of those days that I really couldn't give a flying fsck at all. Who gives a damn about these people. Tell me she's not for resus and I'll make sure she won't be. Ever.

Today was one of those days where I wanted to go to his bedside and say, "Look, if you wanna shoot yourself, make sure you've got two bullets. 'Cos I think I need one."

I feel like writing another blurred story. This one being a lot darker.

Sunrise.

"You know, all I really want to do is go to this place. Its a lovely place only accessible by 4 wheel drive. Its right outside town X. And I want to watch the sun rise for the last time. After that, I'm going to shoot myself. No one is going to find me. And its so much better than being buried in a hole. Only thing stopping me is that I don't have a 4 wheel drive."

True story.

What do you say to someone who tells you that? What do you say to a man whose last wish is to watch the sunrise in a little forgotten place only accessible by 4 wheel drive? What words of solace, what words of meaning can you give to a man who finds life utter impossible to bear? Who wants to end it all? Who just wants to die?

What troubles me even more is that the only thing stopping him is the absent 4 wheel drive. That means he probably already has the gun. What is to stop him from deciding that the sunrise will only be a pointless dream and to end his suffering there and then with a bullet through his skull?

As I saw him lying in bed, wheezing away, looking me in the eye, his hair gray and worn, his eyes wide and tired behind his big glasses and a rasping, hacking cough that breaks the silence, I searched for words to say.

And somehow, "Jesus is the answer" does not seem appropriate.

Somehow, to refer to a deity that does not seem real to everyday people does not seem relevant.

Somehow, to say, "God cares" seems like an insult, a spit-in-your-face, an evil cackle, a middle finger, a declaration of insanity.

This man does not need to know that God cares. Sure, He probably does, and yes, He does. But this man, curled up in the foetal position, does not need to know that.

He needs to know that people around him care. That people around him want to make a difference in his life. That people around him care for him. That they want him, probably against his wishes, to live.

Perhaps, that's what it means by the line "we are the salt and light of the world." We represent God. And Jesus. And things good, kind, holy, just, fair, loving, caring."

I hoped I made his day today.

***

I was once told by my tutor that being a health professional, we work in the business of life and death. What we do or what we DON'T do is sometimes the difference between the patient slowly creeping out the door on a walking frame with a cheery smile on their face or the persistent beep of a flatline and the emergency team rushing to someone's pale bedside. If you're lucky, you might even hear the shout of "CLEAR!" and the whoomp of the defribillator.

I've seen too many NFR (not for resuscitation forms) filled out in the negative today.

I, (insert name here) has agreed that in the event of cardiac arrest or pulmonary arrest, do not wished to be resuscitated.

(Signed on the dotted line.)

.............................

Too many of them.

Gotta fist of pure emotion.

Whatever I said
Whatever I did
I didn’t mean it
I just want you back for good
Whatever I’m wrong
Just tell me the song and I’ll sing it
You’ll be right and understood
I want you back for good

Funny. This song has so many implications that are so irrelevant to my personal life right now.

But this song is so good to listen to. I’ve not heard this song for a long long time. And it’s good to be able to listen to this song again.

I’ve changed so much but somehow, deep inside, I’m not sure I actually have changed that much.

Deep down inside, I still love listening to love songs. Where it talks about everlasting love and kisses sweeter than wine and happy ever after endings.

Funny.

Elephant Love Medley just came on. I had a good time dancing this with you, Sociologist.

I’ve had a long day. Sigh.

And I do need to go to bed.

Discovery.

I personally find it disgusting how some people are more keen to take their morning tea break than to treat a patient who has faeces dribbling down his leg and is sitting in a toilet chair.

 

I find it horrible how some patients go completely mental without reason although I know that they have had a head injury 16 years ago leaving them mentally handicapped.

 

I find it heartbreaking how some patients are chronic alcoholics, are completely incontinent and does not eat enough and yet poses enough danger to herself due to her alcoholism but we can't take that away because that is probably the only thing that really matters to her and what really makes her happy.

 

I find that my personal motto of "as long as you're happy" is ignorant, stupid, and immature. But then again, is it really?

 

Is happiness really the goal? Is ignorance really bliss? Is stupidity really rewarding?

 

You know what I mean, don't you?

 

 

Just Dance – Lady Gaga

Just dance
Gonna be okay
Da da doo doo
Just dance
Spin that record babe
Da da doo doo
Just dance
Gonna be okay
Da da doo doo
Just dance dance dance just dance

I remembered using these lyrics to close off my previous Cerebral Rebellion blog. That blog was my longest maintained blog. It lasted me over a good three years and made me US$200 in the process.

Those were good times.

And today, those words seemed like exactly what I needed to hear. To just dance and everything’s gonna be okay if I just kept moving my feet and moving to the rhythm and that things will be all right.

Sometimes, I wonder whether I would last on my own self without someone there for me. I’ve always thought about having a girlfriend or having someone but I’ve never thought of myself as the kind of person who would get COMPLETELY hung up over someone and that I would look for someone to date to deal with the whole idea that I can’t be lonely.

I’m obviously upset if I’m blogging this much.

But like the good Lady Gaga said, “There’s nothing else I can say.”

I really should get to sleep.

So I've been cheating.

...cheating on my blog with Microsoft Live Writer, that is. Honestly, some entries will go up before I die. If not, then it'll be unpublished a.ka. Nikki Gemmell a.ka. Anonymous. For more info, please click The Bride Stripped Bare.

Today is a weird weird day. Weird indeed and for some reason, I can't quite describe it.

Walking along the corridor, I was filled with a sense of religious fervour. No, Easter's passed and gone. Not that kind of religious Crusades fervour I was talking about. More like the glazed look of David Koresh's brides full of admiration and adoration. The blind belief. The untrusting, unwavering belief of one man's word.

In a way, I wanted that. To be completely blindsided to the point where I could walk straight into a spear and not feel pain.

Today is a weird day.

Today is a day where I got called back to the hospital and the lady I was supposed to have seen was discharged already. Oh, I get 20 minutes worth of call out pay, though, so I guess its worth it.

Today is a day that I also got to practise my dancing. Currently to date, I'm dancing 4 nights a week. And all ballroom too. I'm wondering if I'm pushing myself just a little too far right now.

Today is a weird day.

Today, I sat down with 300g of topside steak, grilled medium and a whole tray of slab cut fries which I polished off in front of the tv. Later, I felt sleepy but couldn't or was unable to sleep.

Today, I wanted something deep and insightful, thoughtful and provocative, emotional and challenging.

But I found an empty brain.

You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it. - Gordon Dietrich

Indeed, we try and blend in with society, rather than stand out, that we end up just like it. Mud smeared. Smoke coated. Exhaust fume perfumes.

In some ways, I think I will be happy with a desk-chained job in front of a computer. I really should have considered IT as an option.

Fscking hell.

In a weird way, sitting in front of a glowing computer monitor in a darkened library room seems just the place for me. Just me and the world to wander through the magic of my fingers and the clicks of a mouse.

I'm happy here. Just me. Just me.

Testing

I’ve just put Live Writer on my small laptop. Let’s see how this works.

Suddenly.

Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

- Satine & Christian, Moulin Rouge

What's the wards like? asked a well meaning friend.

Well, it goes something like this.

1. Arrive on the wards early at about 8a.m. and pick up patient list.
2. Sit down and then figure out I need to see discharges today.
3. Head to the patient board and mark off discharges.
4. Figure out that, oh yeah, I can see him/her later, no worries.
5. Figure out who to see first.
6. See first patient of the day.
7. Finish with first patient of the day.
8. Sit down to write notes for first patient of the day.
9. Nurse requests patient to be seen by a physio because "the doctor thinks s/he's chesty" or "S/he seems unstable."
10. See requested patient.
11. Finish with requested patient.
12. Come back to write first patient's notes.
13. Find that they're missing. Someone's taken them!
14. Run around office speaking in a loud but calm voice, "Has anyone seen Mr/Mrs X's notes?"
15. Finally find them tucked in under discharges. They're discharged???
16. Re-visit first patient and make sure safe for discharge.
17. Pager beeps.
18. See next patient.
19. Finish with next patient in record time.
20. Sit down and write patient's notes. Finish in record time.
21. Morning tea.
22. Panic that I've only seen 2 patients and half the morning is gone.
23. Back to wards. Try and find next patient's notes.
24. Finally find next patient's notes. Read and note important bla de bla.
25. Go and see patient.
26. Patient in toilet/shower/X-ray/ICU/dead/discharged.
27. Seethe about not being able to see patient because of above reasons.
28. Next patient.
29. Have to find nurse for the next patient.
30. Finds nurse. Nurse on morning tea break.
31. Goes and treats next patient.
32. Goes back to find nurse. Nurse is busy/gone home/dead/discharged.
33. Seethe about incompetence of staff.
34. Lunch.
35. Back to wards. Patients more co-operative. Probably the chemicals in the food.
36. Treat treat treat. Notes notes notes.
37. Run around with crutches, frames, strollers that I look like a man trapped in metal scaffolding. Lucky I've not been apprehended for escaping from the psyche unit.
38. Pager beeps.
39. Check pager.
40. Ring back number on pager. Why has the physio NOT gone to ICU yet?
41. Panic about ICU.
42. Ring other physio.
43. Other physio reassures and says that she's done it. Hyperventilates for a few more minutes to achieve lack of carbon dioxide and associated high.
44. Finish.
45. Chuck pager on table and forget about work.
46. Come back.
47. Cook two dinners that will be downed in quick succession.
48. Sit down and rot in front of the tv for 2 hours.
49. Shower.
50. Bed.

As you can probably tell, I've got a busy day.

Another thing you can probably tell, instead of alcohol that I down in neat shot glasses full of whiskey, I eat enough dinner for a pregnant elephant. Wait, make that TWO elephants.

I'm also near my all time high weight of 74kgs. Last year, I hit 75kgs after 3 months of consistent gym and constant protein shakes.

Last thing, I really should check my pager more often.

And oh, the friend who asked that question? He died of boredom and flew to Heaven. Either that or he sneaked out and drove away really quickly while I was ranting about how the nurse disappeared on me. I was wondering what that loud revving sound was.

The Pharmacist and I were discussing about one of my department's colleagues who saunters, no, she strolls around the wards. And we were both wondering whether she had found a little peace fountain in within the busyness of the wards and the departments or else she had found her nirvana.

If she's smoking pot, I want some.

The end.

Honestly?

Earth Hour: Is it really worth it?

 

[This is my take on Earth Hour. Yes, I know, there has been a lot of discussion online and offline regarding Earth Hour. But I am trying to look at it from both sides of the coin and see if we truly care about the environment.]

 

Earth Hour: turn your lights off for one hour in honour and respect of the planet that we live and breathe on, to enlighten people about the importance of trying to save the environment and reduce global warming.

 

Is that enough, people?

No doubt, every journey begins with a single step, no matter how small, how insignificant. But is this enough?

This is perhaps and hopefully, the start for everyone to realise the importance of trying to save our environment. With global warming and the weather going absolutely insane, it has become imperative that unless we do something, we will all suffer from the consequences.

 

So we turned off the lights and we lit our candles and we celebrated and remembered the planet Earth for an hour.

 

But is this enough?

 

Let me state my opinion on Earth Hour. I did not take part. No doubt, I did turn off the lights in my flat but I was away for the weekend. Does that count? Probably not.

 

And what did the rest of you folks do? Yes, you turned off your lights. But the computer was left running, perhaps? And back home in the sweltering temperatures of Malaysia, were the fans on? Air conditioning on? Was your laptop still running? Fridge running? TV in the background running? Yes, you turned off your lights but is that enough? Did you light candles as a replacement? This is the point I am trying to make.

 

After that one hour, when the lights came back on, what happened then? Perhaps the "feel good" moment continued to last. It continually felt good that you actually stopped and did something for the environment. But when you got back home, did you turn on the air conditioning? The fan on full blast? Perhaps even stood in front of the refrigerator to cool off for a few minutes while cursing about how hot or humid it is? Did you decide to leave the light on just because you could not be bothered to turn it off?

 

When you woke up the next morning, did you decide that in a bid to save the environment and continuing to do your part, did you decide to walk to work the next day? Take out the dusty bike and decide to burn a few calories or try and lose that spare tyre around your waist, maybe? Or if you lived too far from work, did you decide to ring up a friend or a neighbour who maybe could carpool with you or maybe you offered to pick them up to save carbon emissions from your [probably not environmentally friendly] car? Or did you look at your watch, gasp at the time and then rush off to work with your foot glued to the accelerator pedal?

When you finally reached work, did you get into your nice comfy air conditioned office and sit down and turned on your perhaps, not very energy efficient computer? Went out to lunch to buy takeaways and used the styrofoam boxes that the hawker handed you? Used a small pack of tissues from your pocket/handbag to wipe your mouth? And then, in true Malaysian fashion, chuck it on the floor/drain/anywhere else except the rubbish bin?

 

So at the end of the day, you decided to do your groceries. Plastic bags galore after you came back from the supermarket? What did you do with them? Did you throw them out? Did you decide to reuse them? Or did you decide to bring your own reusable cloth bag to carry groceries because plastic bags are so environmentally unfriendly? What did you do?

 

I applaud the crowds that turned up for the occassion. I did not particularly like the idea that candles were lit as candles are so much more costly and harmful to the environment then the standard fluorescent tube but hey, it contributed to the ambience, perhaps.

But what did you do the Earth Hour for?

Honestly. Was it a social event that you could go out with friends and hang out and perhaps talk to the cute guy/girl that you've been eyeing? Perhaps if you saw him/her there, you could pretend that you were environmentally conscious and gosh, that is sooooo attractive in a boyfriend/girlfriend nowadays?

 

Lighting candles, romantic, no? A time to just hang out and chill, entertainment, candles and oh, yeah, to reduce global warming. That's right. It seems global warming is second priority to other things.

 

I do not mean to condemn. Earth Hour is a small and quite effective start to paving the way for the welfare of our planet and our future generations that will inherit it.

 

But if we ever decide to finally be a lot more serious about the environment and global warming, our efforts have to last for longer than just one small insignificant hour.

Don't matter

Browsed through my playlist on iTunes and came across one of Akon's old songs, Don't matter.

It doesn't really matter, does it?

This life. Everything in it. It doesn't really matter. At the end of it all, we're still here, we're still where we are. It doesn't matter.

Don't mind me. I'm in a bit of a mood today. I honestly cannot be arsed with anything in particular.

And I honestly think I'm not cut out for physio work. I'm soo soo soo not cut out for it. But shh. Don't say it out too loud just in case I get my a$s whooped for saying stuff.

I'd like to think that somehow, in a new life, with a new name, in a place where I can just blend into the crowd and disappear, living my nobody life, I will be happy.

Call me coward. Yes I am. I accept the fact that I can't stand life as it is. It sucks and it can kiss my a$s.

So what makes me happy then? If life is all that miserable, what makes me happy?

A handful of things. Scattered like raindrops. Hard to find as they tend to disappear into the soil as soon as you've touched them.

But we shall keep it to ourselves. And just shoot up random animated characters on the screen as they appear.

Sleep.

You'll sleep
When the morning comes
And I'll lie and watch you sleeping
And you'll smile
When you dream about the night
Like its a secret you've been keeping

Layin' beside you
Lost in the feeling
So glad you opened my door

You're my song
Music too magic to end
I'll play you over and over again
Loving so warm
Moving so right
Closing our eyes
And feeling alive
We'll just go on burning bright
Somewhere in the night - Barry Manilow

Born to make you happy.

Define happiness.

Define satisfaction.

Define contentment.

Define pleasure.

Define laughter, love, life.

Define "happy being here, right here, right now, and I wouldn't change
a thing in the world."

Define the words of the immortal Godfather when he lay dying in his
vineyard and his last words were, "Life is beautiful."

Define beautiful. Define beauty. Define life.

Define what makes life worth it. Define what makes it worth waking up
every morning.

Define. Define.

The meaning of life is all one big bloody Dictionary. If we can only
find out what it means.

We ponder and ponder and at the end, some people find resolution at
the end of a whisky bottle, or at the bottom of the pill jar, or at
the metallic taste of blood as it pours out through a small hole in
the back of their skulls when they ejected a 9mm round into their
awaiting pie holes.

Some people find God. Some find the Devil.

Some people never find it. Life, I mean. Or the definitions of it.

Fsck this. I'm going home.