Start.

You've gotta start somewhere! - The Brother when playing GTA IV and me wanting to free roam rather than start missions.

This is my first weekend working ever since I came back. And its good. Its quiet and its comfortable and I don't have to HAVE to deal with a whole lot of patients/whathaveyous.

Although I did get desperate bordering on hysterical voice messages on my phone this morning about getting some crutches for the emergency department this morning. They were going to get me in at 8a.m.! For fsck's sakes, its a weekend. We only start work at 9!

But I'm at work and the impending crisis if I didn't get crutches was promptly averted just by me taking some crutches out of one department and bringing it to another. Gawd, the dramaqueens I work with.

Was talking to someone online the other day and I mentioned that ever since I started working here, I was afraid that I would end up staying. I was afraid that things would work out and that I would end up liking this place (God forbid!) and that I would end up stuck in this rurally poor excuse of a city where we're more well known for our controversial mayor who talks absolute crap on talkback radio and is a celebrity wannabe and gang mobs that kill innocent people because they think they're wearing rival gang colours. Oh, its not that bad? I see. *nods*

So, perhaps, that's why I always remained a bit more reclusive.

Not to say that I'm one of those social butterfly people that hovers from group to group talking, laughing, chatting away. I can do that. But I guess I'm just not too comfortable doing that all the time.

I would usually prefer sitting in front of a desktop/laptop playing my games and chat with people online. Don't get me wrong, the whole thing about "no man is an island", I totally and heartily agree with. I think its one of the best suggestions ever to arise out of a drunken night out with mates and where male bonding suddenly takes a turn to become male bondage and it just goes all horribly wrong and shit hits the fan. Literally.

I have few friends. Close to my heart and I keep them that way. Like a jealously paranoid poker player, I like to keep my friends close. I tell my enemies to fsck the hell out with the usual ignorance tactic that works absolute wonders and my acquaintances are greeted with a temporarily raised chin, a smile that doesn't quite get to the eyes and a non-committant "Hey, how's it going?"/"Hey"/"Hi".

But I digress.

So the recluse in me arises from the need to remain as disconnected as possible. But now.

I'm not sure.

I really don't know.

Sure, its always easy to say that. Everything is always easier said than done. I wanted to remain disconnected. I wanted to keep my distance, be there but not be there, form friendships but not really so that in the end, when I do leave, I don't feel as though I'm tearing up an oak tree by its roots. I'd want the leaving bit to be as painless as pulling out a single weed.

So I kept thinking to that one comment that the Brother made when we were playing (well, I was playing and he was commenting) GTA IV and it made me think. I had to start somewhere, didn't I?

Whether its in a fictional XBOX360 game or whether its reality, you've gotta begin. Sitting on your hands and whistling doesn't get you anywhere. It doesn't do anything for you. It doesn't do jack.

So I guess this year, I'm starting.

I'm jumping headfirst into this deep pool that I'm not sure of, where I don't know how deep it is, and I can't really swim.

I've got my eyes shut tight, my arms outstretched, and my heart open to whatever comes. Its all about taking risks after all, isn't it? Its all about going out there and finally doing it and getting it done and who the fsck cares.

As long as you're happy.

As long as I'm happy.

As long as we're happy.

As long as the world keeps turning and I keep falling and the days fall off the calender and as my days pass me by, as long as I'm happy.

I'll just keep twirling here in this corner, practising my shines and spins until I get my happiness together.