If I weren't afraid.
Dory,This is sent to you first, because you were the first person to come up with a plain honest answer for which I am always grateful for. Peopple tend to cover up too much these days, me included. So this will go up on my blog but be assured that this entry comes to your inbox first. +D
Now, I'm not writing this because I am dead bored but honestly, I'm not dead bored at all. I'm at work and I've got 13 minutes before my next patient. As I write this, I want to be painfully honest with myself because only by being honest with myself do I feel that much better. I feel as though I would spend forever writing this because there are so many things I am afraid of but I dare not mention or I choose to live in denial. But now, I want write down as much as I can. Be brutally honest. Be painfully painfully honest to the point where I would shut my eyes in fear of what I have just typed.
There is something about being brutally honest to people, to things that you have kept covered with your duvet like some hidden lover as people burst into your bedroom. Its an opening UP and OUT of the soul, and the image of an eagle soaring beyond the sight of man comes to mind. I can imagine it bursting through the dark cloud layers and suddenly, there is light and soft fluffy clouds beneath.
But like Icarus, maybe telling the truth is not a very bright idea. You fly too close to the sun and you get burnt and you die. But there is that thrill, that luxury of being free. And why not? You might as well enjoy the last bit of life before you fall to your doom.
I am going to quote the Sociologist once again in a previous blog entry that she wrote.
But of course, I am deviating. Rather than a discussion of what I truly fear, its become more of a topic on truth. Which, in reality, is something I fear. Right. Topic number 1.
1. If I weren't afraid, I wouldn't have to lie about so many things.
Truth be told (and no pun intended there), I lie a lot. And believe it or not, although I said I'm going to be brutally honest, I think there are some things that cannot ever see the light of day on cyberspace all because of the fact that some things deserve to die and be kept dead. No use to exhume the grave if nothing's going to be done to it, right? But what has been done has been done has been done. Let it die along with me.
2. If I weren't afraid, I would go home to work and become a dance instructor.
Now here is something I would have done if I wasn't afraid. Or if I was stupid, perhaps. You could look at it that way. I was willing to sacrifice everything I had here to go home and teach dance. And why not, I reasoned? It was the way I wanted things to go. I was more than keen to get everything up and going and just go home and start dancing. Maybe work in a hospital during the day and teach dance at night to tide me over. I wanted to introduce partner dancing again rather than just the normal solitary hip hop stuff everyone is into. I wanted to inspire and start a dance revolution. But I did not. And I am not sure whether that is something I would regret or something or something I would breathe a sigh of relief over. I still want to dance and teach dance. But that has yet to be seen. Or danced. Hm.
3. If I weren't afraid, I would have become a performing arts student. Or at least theatre/arts/dance student.
As above. I'm not sure if physio's really my thing but hey, it pays and I'm all right with it. Not really complaning, am I?
4. If I weren't afraid, I would travel around NZ in a car with just me, my iPod, my laptop, and a duffel bag of clothes.
I've wanted to do this for a while now. I was even wondering about the prospects of me hitchhiking around NZ. But of course, with me being me, its a little bit dangerous that way, obviously. Parents kinda don't want me to die too soon.
5. If I weren't afraid, I would have gotten a tattoo.
Obviously a pain issue. Can't you tell?
6. If I weren't afraid, I would tell the person that I liked straight up front. And then let whatever happens, happen.
Always been a bit of a puss about doing things like this. Its a basic fear of rejection, I gather. But then again, what's new? I mean, rejection is one of the biggest fears of mine. And I mean, dying alone was one of the things I was hoping I would never have to go through in the future. But now...things have changed, I feel.
7. If I weren't afraid, I would have taken that jump.
I've been there before. Its beautiful and the lights from tall buildings shine into your eyes and if you jump, you can imagine falling into the galaxy. Just ignore the sounds of glass shattering and cars braking and people screaming and blood seeping out of you.
8. If I weren't afraid, I would live a more simple life.
But I'm not sure if I want to give up the glamorous idea of apartment life in the main city. I'm not sure of that at all. Of course, having stayed in the country and having seen how beautiful it can be, its all I can do apart from packing up my bags and buying a pasture and a herd of cows.
9. If I weren't afraid, I would completely disappear and turn up again as a Spanish milonguero.
Wikipedia defines a milonguero as a person whose life revolves around dancing tango and the philosophy of tango, a man who has mastered the tango dance and embodies the essence of tango. How can you NOT want to be one?
10. If I weren't afraid, I wouldn't be here right now.
Actions have consequences, as the saying goes. Newton discovered that a force applied has a resultant equal and opposite force. Jesus Christ said, "Do unto others as you want it to be done unto you." Confucius picked up the opposite and said, "Don't do to others what you don't want them to do to you." In the film "Fiddler on the Roof", Teyve quoted, "If you spit in the air, it will land on your face."
So basically, I have been afraid. I have been cowed by my own fear and because of that, here I am. I sit here in this chair one and a half hours after work and I'm still here because I am here, by my own hand, by my own doing. I can choose to blame my heritage. I can choose to blame my lifestyle. I can choose to blame my upbringing. I can choose to blame my circumstances, my finances, my likes, dislikes, loves, hates, arguments, passions, whatever. But I am still here. I've made my choices, yes according to circumstances and likes and loves and passions and all that stuff. So here I sit. This is what I am. But to say that fear didn't have a part in it would be lies and denial.
Come to think of it, how much of you is controlled by fear? How much of life is controlled by fear? And how much difference would the great game of Life be if you weren't afraid?
It's not too late. We're still breathing. Still living. We still open our eyes in the morning. Something can happen. Still.
Now, I'm not writing this because I am dead bored but honestly, I'm not dead bored at all. I'm at work and I've got 13 minutes before my next patient. As I write this, I want to be painfully honest with myself because only by being honest with myself do I feel that much better. I feel as though I would spend forever writing this because there are so many things I am afraid of but I dare not mention or I choose to live in denial. But now, I want write down as much as I can. Be brutally honest. Be painfully painfully honest to the point where I would shut my eyes in fear of what I have just typed.
There is something about being brutally honest to people, to things that you have kept covered with your duvet like some hidden lover as people burst into your bedroom. Its an opening UP and OUT of the soul, and the image of an eagle soaring beyond the sight of man comes to mind. I can imagine it bursting through the dark cloud layers and suddenly, there is light and soft fluffy clouds beneath.
But like Icarus, maybe telling the truth is not a very bright idea. You fly too close to the sun and you get burnt and you die. But there is that thrill, that luxury of being free. And why not? You might as well enjoy the last bit of life before you fall to your doom.
I am going to quote the Sociologist once again in a previous blog entry that she wrote.
A curious freedom is found in truth, whatever it is. The good and excellent bits, and the ugliest, most painful bits of truth. - the Sociologist
But of course, I am deviating. Rather than a discussion of what I truly fear, its become more of a topic on truth. Which, in reality, is something I fear. Right. Topic number 1.
1. If I weren't afraid, I wouldn't have to lie about so many things.
Truth be told (and no pun intended there), I lie a lot. And believe it or not, although I said I'm going to be brutally honest, I think there are some things that cannot ever see the light of day on cyberspace all because of the fact that some things deserve to die and be kept dead. No use to exhume the grave if nothing's going to be done to it, right? But what has been done has been done has been done. Let it die along with me.
2. If I weren't afraid, I would go home to work and become a dance instructor.
Now here is something I would have done if I wasn't afraid. Or if I was stupid, perhaps. You could look at it that way. I was willing to sacrifice everything I had here to go home and teach dance. And why not, I reasoned? It was the way I wanted things to go. I was more than keen to get everything up and going and just go home and start dancing. Maybe work in a hospital during the day and teach dance at night to tide me over. I wanted to introduce partner dancing again rather than just the normal solitary hip hop stuff everyone is into. I wanted to inspire and start a dance revolution. But I did not. And I am not sure whether that is something I would regret or something or something I would breathe a sigh of relief over. I still want to dance and teach dance. But that has yet to be seen. Or danced. Hm.
3. If I weren't afraid, I would have become a performing arts student. Or at least theatre/arts/dance student.
As above. I'm not sure if physio's really my thing but hey, it pays and I'm all right with it. Not really complaning, am I?
4. If I weren't afraid, I would travel around NZ in a car with just me, my iPod, my laptop, and a duffel bag of clothes.
I've wanted to do this for a while now. I was even wondering about the prospects of me hitchhiking around NZ. But of course, with me being me, its a little bit dangerous that way, obviously. Parents kinda don't want me to die too soon.
5. If I weren't afraid, I would have gotten a tattoo.
Obviously a pain issue. Can't you tell?
6. If I weren't afraid, I would tell the person that I liked straight up front. And then let whatever happens, happen.
Always been a bit of a puss about doing things like this. Its a basic fear of rejection, I gather. But then again, what's new? I mean, rejection is one of the biggest fears of mine. And I mean, dying alone was one of the things I was hoping I would never have to go through in the future. But now...things have changed, I feel.
7. If I weren't afraid, I would have taken that jump.
I've been there before. Its beautiful and the lights from tall buildings shine into your eyes and if you jump, you can imagine falling into the galaxy. Just ignore the sounds of glass shattering and cars braking and people screaming and blood seeping out of you.
8. If I weren't afraid, I would live a more simple life.
But I'm not sure if I want to give up the glamorous idea of apartment life in the main city. I'm not sure of that at all. Of course, having stayed in the country and having seen how beautiful it can be, its all I can do apart from packing up my bags and buying a pasture and a herd of cows.
9. If I weren't afraid, I would completely disappear and turn up again as a Spanish milonguero.
Wikipedia defines a milonguero as a person whose life revolves around dancing tango and the philosophy of tango, a man who has mastered the tango dance and embodies the essence of tango. How can you NOT want to be one?
10. If I weren't afraid, I wouldn't be here right now.
Actions have consequences, as the saying goes. Newton discovered that a force applied has a resultant equal and opposite force. Jesus Christ said, "Do unto others as you want it to be done unto you." Confucius picked up the opposite and said, "Don't do to others what you don't want them to do to you." In the film "Fiddler on the Roof", Teyve quoted, "If you spit in the air, it will land on your face."
So basically, I have been afraid. I have been cowed by my own fear and because of that, here I am. I sit here in this chair one and a half hours after work and I'm still here because I am here, by my own hand, by my own doing. I can choose to blame my heritage. I can choose to blame my lifestyle. I can choose to blame my upbringing. I can choose to blame my circumstances, my finances, my likes, dislikes, loves, hates, arguments, passions, whatever. But I am still here. I've made my choices, yes according to circumstances and likes and loves and passions and all that stuff. So here I sit. This is what I am. But to say that fear didn't have a part in it would be lies and denial.
Come to think of it, how much of you is controlled by fear? How much of life is controlled by fear? And how much difference would the great game of Life be if you weren't afraid?
It's not too late. We're still breathing. Still living. We still open our eyes in the morning. Something can happen. Still.
posted by Poet at
6:03 PM
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