Day 2
It seemed easier to cry last night.
Whilst on the phone with a caring friend who read and knew what I was going through, she sat and listened and murmured the appropriate encouragements and condolences while I sobbed and dried my tears on my t-shirt, embarrassed a little but release settling in shortly after.
Day 2 does not really seem any easier. Perhaps, the tears flowed a little more quickly after the deletion off Facebook. I cried then. She seemed to disappear from my world. But then again, I guess I've disappeared from hers just as quickly.
I looked at my bed and I wondered how on earth I was to be able to sleep in my bed again. When once upon a time, sleeping on my own seemed like the normal thing to do, now, the bed feels empty without her.
She sleeps on the right side of the bed, facing the windows. I'll throw my left arm around her waist from behind her and cuddle her to sleep. Sometimes, she would link fingers with me as we slept. And there was always that little bit of movement throughout the night that reminded you that you're still being cared for. That someone still cares for you.
But after all the hullabaloo, it was just something you do, I guess. Maybe the tired eyes and the exhausted mind from the consistent pondering required that much more sleep compared to the normal status quo. I slept a glorious 9 hours yesterday. Something I had not done since the last weekend where I pretended to ignore the inevitable.
And like I said, Day 2 does not seem any easier.
I finally overhauled my computer's system after talking about it since 5 days ago. Looking back at those posts, I wondered what on earth was going through my mind. The troubles had already started by then. She had already disengaged. The lock was broken. The wheels were spinning out of control. And all I seemed to do was to try and ignore it and hopefully, it would go away.
The day before the lunch breakup, we had talked on the phone the night before and everything seemed...normal. We were talking, we chuckled on the phone just a little bit, she reminded me that there was lunch. But in hindsight, it was probably just a formality. Lets just meet for lunch and then we'll settle this once and for all, eh? Little did I know that nothing was ever going back to normal again. We had to learn to live our lives separately again. As though the 21/11/09 never existed. Which was the hard bit.
I downloaded and opened up Google Chrome this morning and I was sitting here putting in the sites that I wanted open on startup. I looked at the selection I had typed in and I, for the life of me, couldn't quite figure out what was missing. And then I thought, oh yeah, Facebook.
And while I plugged that in, all my senses suddenly reminded me of why I would not want to do that.
Looking through the news feeds, your name wasn't there. It didn't linger with the coloured dot on the side where I could just click your name and you would be there at the end of the invisible line. I did not see any updates about Buffy or Spike or how much you hated Twilight or Black Book quotes or all the French updates that you would write out to your French/French-speaking counterparts and all I could do was sit there and wondered what on earth you were saying.
And in a way, I'm glad you never handed over information about your blog although I pestered you repeatedly about it. I don't think I would have been able to keep off it at all.
To say that I miss her would be an understatement of the century, probably. Comparable to phantom limb pain, not having her around is like not having an extension of yourself around. We were the proverbial peas in a pod. People commented on how cute we were as a couple, how good we looked together, and how happy I was. Yeah. I was happy.
Hm.
But this aside, I am glad that I have work today. I am glad that my mind and my hands will be occupied by stupid discharges and people with sore hips. I am glad that my job will be paying me overtime for my unwilling dedication to my job. I am glad that I will be busy for part of the day.
Because I know I don't want to have to spend the rest of the time in my room missing you.
Whilst on the phone with a caring friend who read and knew what I was going through, she sat and listened and murmured the appropriate encouragements and condolences while I sobbed and dried my tears on my t-shirt, embarrassed a little but release settling in shortly after.
Day 2 does not really seem any easier. Perhaps, the tears flowed a little more quickly after the deletion off Facebook. I cried then. She seemed to disappear from my world. But then again, I guess I've disappeared from hers just as quickly.
I looked at my bed and I wondered how on earth I was to be able to sleep in my bed again. When once upon a time, sleeping on my own seemed like the normal thing to do, now, the bed feels empty without her.
She sleeps on the right side of the bed, facing the windows. I'll throw my left arm around her waist from behind her and cuddle her to sleep. Sometimes, she would link fingers with me as we slept. And there was always that little bit of movement throughout the night that reminded you that you're still being cared for. That someone still cares for you.
But after all the hullabaloo, it was just something you do, I guess. Maybe the tired eyes and the exhausted mind from the consistent pondering required that much more sleep compared to the normal status quo. I slept a glorious 9 hours yesterday. Something I had not done since the last weekend where I pretended to ignore the inevitable.
And like I said, Day 2 does not seem any easier.
I finally overhauled my computer's system after talking about it since 5 days ago. Looking back at those posts, I wondered what on earth was going through my mind. The troubles had already started by then. She had already disengaged. The lock was broken. The wheels were spinning out of control. And all I seemed to do was to try and ignore it and hopefully, it would go away.
The day before the lunch breakup, we had talked on the phone the night before and everything seemed...normal. We were talking, we chuckled on the phone just a little bit, she reminded me that there was lunch. But in hindsight, it was probably just a formality. Lets just meet for lunch and then we'll settle this once and for all, eh? Little did I know that nothing was ever going back to normal again. We had to learn to live our lives separately again. As though the 21/11/09 never existed. Which was the hard bit.
I downloaded and opened up Google Chrome this morning and I was sitting here putting in the sites that I wanted open on startup. I looked at the selection I had typed in and I, for the life of me, couldn't quite figure out what was missing. And then I thought, oh yeah, Facebook.
And while I plugged that in, all my senses suddenly reminded me of why I would not want to do that.
Looking through the news feeds, your name wasn't there. It didn't linger with the coloured dot on the side where I could just click your name and you would be there at the end of the invisible line. I did not see any updates about Buffy or Spike or how much you hated Twilight or Black Book quotes or all the French updates that you would write out to your French/French-speaking counterparts and all I could do was sit there and wondered what on earth you were saying.
And in a way, I'm glad you never handed over information about your blog although I pestered you repeatedly about it. I don't think I would have been able to keep off it at all.
To say that I miss her would be an understatement of the century, probably. Comparable to phantom limb pain, not having her around is like not having an extension of yourself around. We were the proverbial peas in a pod. People commented on how cute we were as a couple, how good we looked together, and how happy I was. Yeah. I was happy.
Hm.
But this aside, I am glad that I have work today. I am glad that my mind and my hands will be occupied by stupid discharges and people with sore hips. I am glad that my job will be paying me overtime for my unwilling dedication to my job. I am glad that I will be busy for part of the day.
Because I know I don't want to have to spend the rest of the time in my room missing you.
posted by Poet at
8:53 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home