Day 19.

I wonder if you still read this blog.

I wonder.

These entries are taken from my notebook that I scribbled in during the Salsa Congress 2010. Pictures and videos that followed were part of my thoughts that came along when I was walking to workshops, salsa parties, performances, meals, eating out, the like.

And as much as it is emo, I should mention that I like marinating in the idea of being emo.

Some people have mentioned that after reading my posts, they feel quite depressed. I think I have that effect on people. Plus, if you look at the title of this post, this is less than week 3 post break up. I’d appreciate it if you find it depressing reading my posts that you don’t read. I understand and acknowledge the fact that things posted online do get read and they also do get commented on but please. This is my outlet. This is my release. This is my way of rehab and counselling. This is my way out. As much as talking to someone about it does help, I still sit here at this computer, hunched over like the proverbial sage writing his long pondered words of wisdom except for me, this is not wisdom. Its just words.

And words are all I have
To take your heart away.

Hm. 

Enjoy.

***

I try not to remember.

Being here, being in the familiarity of it all, and to think that our last road trip down here was the last time we went anywhere together.

I couldn’t quite walk down that street where we spent the night at the motel and where I took you for “authentic Malaysian food” and I took you to meet my friends and we were still the good ole’ still-very-much-into-each-other kind of couple. But I guess that was then and this is now.

<italics>We walked too many roads together, you and I. Too many that you are too deeply engraved in my memories of this place.</italics>

I rushed out after salsa class to take this photo. Remember how you and I would look up at the stars and I would pick out Orion’s belt and you would point out to me all the other constellations. Every time I see a clear night, your arm around my waist while you point at the moon and say “its upside down” comes to mind. Remember we walked the waterfront one night with your friend and we held hands while you two chatted away? Yeah. It was a starry night.

The French Lady and I had a conversation a while back post break up. At that point in time, I thought I had somehow miraculously recovered from post break up emotional trauma and I told her that I was going to do whatever I could and that was in my power to make the whole process of getting over each other easier. “Whatever it takes,” I said. “Whatever it takes.”

What a <fool> I feel like now.

One thing did make me laugh out loud, though, over this weekend. Like seriously, laugh out loud.

You know one of those things that sound dirty in dance but isn’t?

So this is the advanced styling dance class. The teachers weren’t particularly proficient in English and they relied on a translator who spoke a different language but could translate somewhat.

So, try and picture this in mind.

Guy stands facing away from the girl, his left hand behind his back.  Girl stands facing the guy’s right side, her right hand holding on to the guy’s aforementioned left hand behind his back.

Now, the crux of the matter.

Guy is supposed to duck under the girl’s right arm that’s holding on to his left arm to end up facing her. Girl would do this style move where they stand with their feet apart and shake their derriere a la Ricky Martin’s “Shake Your Bon Bon” video.

So HOW DIRTY CAN THIS BE, RIGHT?

The teacher’s instructions on the CRUX OF THE MATTER?

<QUOTE>

While the guys go down, the girls open their legs and vibrate.

<ENDQUOTE>

OH YEAH, BABEH.

This can be taken in so many ways and my mind can only think of ONE way to process this.

So after you finish laughing, please continue. And if you don’t get it…sigh. What can I say. A picture says a thousand words but I’d rather not. Not on my blog, anyway. HEE.

But back to the serious stuff.

You know, readers, (and I hate referring to you as readers as though your day job consists of reading things or newspapers or whatever aloud) this has been a year.

Sure, its only a quarter of the way through but I think I’ve had enough of this year by now. I want a December 31 and the psychological ability to wipe the slate clean and try to start afresh. Anew. From the beginning. From a clean piece of A4 paper, unblemished with mistakes and crossed out words written in dark ink so that no matter how much you try and “twink” it out, it’ll still be readable on the other side.

I keep telling the Big Man upstairs not in official prayer but in informal bursts and in between salsa classes and dinner and brushing my teeth and all that I seem to be saying to the Big Man is, “please don’t give me a reason to stay. Please don’t give me any more reason to be here. Please let me leave this behind me. Please let me leave this bit of my life behind me. I don’t want to have to try and live with the memory of this anymore.”

But I keep thinking of that old adage that “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

I’ve had some hard times in my life. I have to admit that. I’ve gone through some things in my life that I’m not proud of. There are some things that I will think of and I will look at it and see it as my personal cross to bear. Or crosses, for that matter. Lord knows, with the sins I’ve committed, I’d have more than just the one stigmata in my palms and soles. 

So here’s the question.

How often do you tempt fate to kill you just so that you become stronger?

***

I’ve been listening to the radio a lot. And its sometimes almost ironic what gets played.

At this VERY INSTANT, I’m listening to this tune that has the repeating chorus of “Look what they’ve done to my song.” Weird, I know.

But this song really caught my attention. And apparently, by a NZ artist too.

And funnily enough, as much as I wanted to erase all traces of the French Lady from what I can humanly remember, THIS song by her favourite artist caught my half deaf ears. Sure, I’ve heard the song before. But I only HEARD it now.

Yeah. Who knew?

Its 12.04a.m. on Wednesday morning. I know that I should be asleep but you know, I don’t really write these posts very often. Well, posts like these. With links and pictures and videos and whatnot. I think this makes wayy more entertaining reading.

The weekend was a good one, I must admit. I met a young American guy who’s only 21 but already owns his own computer fixing business. And he inspired me so much and was such a genuinely nice guy that I’ve pretty much been inspired to see what I can do from a business perspective. Especially since he’s only 21, has never gone to university but yet his business has survived the economic recession thus far. What the hell, right? Makes you think you’re in the wrong profession, sometimes.

It was a busy weekend, full of dancing and workshops and my trusty notebook that I filled with notes from dancing and diary-writing and just general things that I found interesting on a daily basis. I fully enjoyed it and I met people there who actually danced for a living. When asked whether they ever got sick of the job, they shook their heads and said, “We’re dancing. How do you get sick of that for a living?”

They’ve got a point.

And imagine having your dance shoelaces tied up and thrown around your bag strap. Talk about dedication to the addiction, man. I took this picture on the way to town for lunch and I looked down and noticed my leather shoes wrapped around my leather bag strap next to my leather jacket. And all black too! I guess my colour blindness does work in my favour sometimes.

And how ironic.

This looks familiar.

But after all’s said and done, nothing is ever that easy. The way is always going to be fraught with mud and wet pools of water. It just depends on how you cross it.

This week, I await the email of a confirmation position down in Dunners with some trepidation. Do I get excited? Do I get anxious? Do I get nervous? Do I get relieved? What am I supposed to feel?

This is my first job that I’ve ever resigned from. Well, proper job, that is.

Guess its just a waiting game, isn’t it? Its a game of change and where the wind blows and you can choose to resist or follow or whatever.

But talking about change.

This is me. Graduation ceremony 2008.

Nerd looking. Still that naive. I thought I was ready to take on the world. I was bored stiff of the whole shebang about graduation. What the hell was the big deal about? I wanted to earn some moolah. Get going. Get my paycheck. Get things done.

But after everything that’s happened post 2008?

Amazing just what a few changes to your appearance can do to you, isn’t it?

Hm.

I’m thinking of closing down this blog. Like I may have mentioned before in a previous entry, sometimes, I end this blog when something bad has happened. Sure, I usually regret after I’ve closed the blooming thing down but sometimes, I purge and I purge clean. Bring on the bleach and the stainless steel wool because there is going to be blood.

Good night world. I hope this keeps you read and fed. May your life continue to be full of wonder and may you never stop looking for the end of the rainbow.