Sometimes...

*Please don't try and understand this post.

At the request of MediMart, who mentioned that sometimes, some of my posts are too "random" and actually doesn't make sense unless you know EXACTLY what is going on, I make a conscious effort to make my posts more flow-ey and more understandable to the average friend/acquaintance that would read this from afar.

But sometimes, perhaps, there are things that you probably wouldn't know about, shouldn't know about, couldn't know about. So much for honesty on the blog, huh? But then again, I never made such a clause.

 

You make me second guess myself. Really.

 

You make me wonder why.

You make me think.

 

You make me lie on my bed, awake at 6a.m. in the morning as the sun slowly creeps up over the horizon and I lie face planted on my bed running my thoughts through my head and somehow, all I end up with is a jumbled, tangled ball of string. Complicated, exaggerated, turntable like.

 

I can dance and dance - ballroom, salsa, latin, ceroc, argentine tango and all I end up with is sore heels, tired feet, sweaty hands, a pouding heart, drenched t-shirt, but still an unsatisfied soul.

 

People talk about spiritual feeding. About the little holes that no one can fill, that no one can satisfy, that nothing can satisfy.

 

You make me wonder. Second guess. Think.

 

And all I want to do is shut myself out of the world, in my dark little realm of a glowering computer screen, my fingers dancing over the keys, watching reruns of "Whose Line is it Anyway" on Youtube, and longing for things I otherwise will not have. Will not want. Will not be.

 

One day.

 

One day, I will disappear.

And perhaps in that disappearance, I will find what I have lost.