Gazing.

Dear You,

You just don’t know how many times I played that video. Over and over again.

Seeing you, hearing you laugh as you rocked to the music in the front seat with your cousin next to you. Hearing you chuckle and then do a little shakey-elbow thing that I couldn’t see.

Gosh, I miss you, you know that?

The way you laughed as you tilted your head back and just laughed.

I’ve always loved your laugh. It sounded as though everything in the entire universe was laughing with you.

I miss you, dearly. Truly, madly, deeply.

And I loved how you looked back and you smiled, it seemed, at me.

And then you were back to the music again.

You were always a funny girl. And I’ve always loved you for that.

You never held back with anything. And you matched the description of the girl that I always wanted.

A little bit bad. But still sweet. Fun. Loud. Exciting. But still you held back and showed me that quiet tender loving side when its just the two of us and where nothing else mattered because you’re right here with me and I’m right here with you and our world ended at the borders of our embrace.

We had fun together, didn’t we, sweetie?

Making you jump 3 feet, sharing a meal together, laughing at other couples making out in the car park, you showing me around shopping malls, me hugging you from behind as you did the dishes, watching you while you puffed perfume on me just so that I smelt like you, our last and final kiss goodbye.

And then I never saw you again. I never held you again. I never felt your lips again.

Your scent became just a distant memory. When I held you tight for the last time, I breathed you in and I tried with all my heart and soul to remember what you felt like, what you smelt like, what you looked like. Hair slightly messy in that white t-shirt of yours, you were soft in my arms. And you smelt of home. That’s all I could really describe it as. At that point, you didn’t really smell of perfume or any store bought fragrance. You smelt of you. Warm and soft and homely. A scent I would die to come home to every night.

I’ve forgotten how soft you feel. I’ve forgotten how it feels like to feel your head  cradled against my neck as you fall asleep and I’ve got my arms wrapped around you and you tolerate that even though it does get kind of hot and you call me your “thermostat”. How your fingers gently wrap around mine as we walk through town. We don’t care about anything. Just the two of us. And we’ll all be travelling home.

Its been a while now.

And I just want you to know that I still think of you. And I still miss you.

And dare I say it…I still love you.

Love
Me.