Compassion. Or lack thereof.

Today, as I was seeing patients, I realised that I don't really give a damn.

 

Remember Mrs Spinal Cancer? Her daughter rang up, very stroppy and mentioned that she did not want me involved in her mother's rehab.

 

Oh sure. As far as I understand, you're not doing very much for your mum either, are you?

But that's fine with me.

 

Sometimes, I realise that the best thing to do for people is to let them go. You can't hold onto work grudges and whatnot, especially if its not your fault. And working with people in the customer service industry (yes, health professionals do offer customer service), you tend to step on toes sometimes. Its perfectly unavoidable.

 

I've had patients swear at me, threaten to sue me, and what more besides. And all I can really do about that is just to shrug and say, "Well, I'm sorry to hear that. And I apologise."

 

Its funny, really, especially in this line of work, that we apologise for what we have not done wrong. Its customer service again, isn't it? Whatever for the patient. Heck, even for my interview, pretty much the whole thing was centred on customer service. I might as well have been service gourmet meats up again behind the butchery counter rather than get people up and give them walking frames.

And honestly, I think I was better at the butchery than I am here.

 

But you can never be sure how you can rub someone up the wrong fscking way so bad in this industry. I sometimes feel as though I'm dealing with too many people, too many issues that I honestly cannot be fscked to do anything else.

 

And as I walked away yesterday from work, I thought to myself, "This job requires compassion." This job honestly require pure, unadulterated compassion. All these people who work in this field, doctors, nurses, therapists, everyone who decides to plonk themselves down in the field of healthcare needs to have compassion. Of course, some people do this job purely for the money (like me, perhaps) but the majority of them do it for the fact that others need it. They have to have it.

 

And sometimes, compassion is something I just don't have.

 

Not something I'm willing to give or take. I just want you to leave me the fsck alone.

 

Some people would read this and say to themselves, "You've just worked six months! What the hell do you know about what's required for the job?"

 

And I'll reply, "Its because I didn't really want this job in the first place. Its like breaking and entering to get to stuff to sell so I can find my addictions. It provides a source of income so that I don't have to worry about the bills and food and groceries and putting a roof over my head while I'm wasting my time waltzing away on the dance floor."

 

Funny how something like this can flip me upside down so early this morning.

 

You know what, I honestly don't care anymore. I think I need home internet. I'll probably die die without it.

 

And for ungrateful patients, unrelenting patients, undeserving patients, patients who needs more than just a good kick in the pants?

Be afraid that I'm pro euthanasia.