Starting anew.

Find me here.

See you on the opening chapter. +D

Love 2.0?

Was talking with a salsa friend that has not come to class for a while and she mentioned to me, “Oh, there’s this girl that dances salsa in Palmy that you might like.”

First immediate thoughts was, “Oh, dear lord. Are we at that stage already?”

I said no. Because I did not want to insult the French Lady in this respect. It would seem harsh if anything that I would think of entering a relationship two months after we’ve broken up. Sure, there’s time for grieving and all but I would rather that whilst I’m here, I gave her that respect.

And perhaps, in other words, I’m not quite over her just yet.

This friend, well meaning as she is, did not see the point of me trying to be “nice” to the French Lady. She thought that it was just that I am moving on and basically, isn’t it okay to be friends, anyway?

Unfortunately, the French Lady and I apparently don’t quite see things that way. Otherwise, there would have been a lot more meetings that I might have written about here.

And oh.

I’ve started a new blog. This will probably be the last one on this page.

Click here.

Subtle differences but basically, I’m taking control now. I’m living life.

I’ll see you there and drop a comment. Or two. Or three.

Bye.

Don’t look back in anger - Oasis.

I’m trying real hard here. I think I’ve finally come to acknowledge the fact that I’ve got some real anger issues.

Yesterday, I went absolutely apeshit on a client. I challenged, I raised my voice, I called her bluff. And today, I just straight swore at her.

I felt sick to my stomach after that. Somehow, I kind of knew that I had it in me to act like this, to be this verbally violent.

So I went for a run. I grabbed my mp3 player, hooked it up, threw on a hoodie and went for a run.

And I ran and I ran and I ran.

It was a bit shorter than I would have liked, to be perfectly honest but then again, it was dark at night and I would not have liked to end up on the front page of the local rags as a “discovered body.” But it was good and it felt good to get everything out of my system. The right songs coming on at the right time were definitely a boost to my already flagging spirit.

I ran and I ran and I ran and I think I broke some records. This run to date meant that I ran a sub 5min/km. I did plod at some points but then again, I had traffic lights to cross and cars to watch out for. Not the most ideal environment, really. But it beats a treadmill or running track any day.

I’m proud of what I’ve done. I’m proud of the kays that I’ve logged in place.

And I think I’ll be aiming for the half marathon in Dunners this year. I’ve got a few more months to train.

The fruits of my labour. Sure, its unorthodox and apparently, plain disgusting. But hey, proof in the pudding, right?

I drenched that hoodie. And I’m glad I did. After I finished running, there was no more anger. There was only that slight quiet in my ears and the sensation that I might need to throw up soon. The pounding of my heart had subsequently given up, probably in the recognition that if I was going to keel over from a heart attack, I would rather do that than stop.

The recurring favourite track is Dance Floor Anthem. Especially good for heartbreak.

Sing “I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love.”

Yeah. Anyways. Game time.

Hey.

Hi Pa.

“Hi, son. How are you?”

I’m good. Happy Birthday.

“Hahaha…thank you, thank you. How are you today?”

I’m good, Pa.

“How’s work today?”

It’s okay. I went to visit a patient at home today which was interesting.

“Yeah, did you get my email?”

I did.

“Ya. You know, just keep working away at it and like Ma said the other day, you have to keep developing yourself at your profession and cultivate an interest in it because if you like it, you’ll never have to work again in your life. Dance is still just a hobby, okay?”

Mmm.

“And as much as you talked about opening a dance school and all that, you must remember that back here, we’re Chinese and over there, we’re Asian. So we’re still losing out either way. So focus on your profession. You can move out of there whenever you want but its really important that you get a job before you do that. Otherwise, its really crap to be stuck in a position with no job and no income.”

Okay, Pa.

“Well, its late and you better go to bed.”

I will, Pa.

“Okay, good night.”

Night, Pa.

*click* *dial tone*

Yeah.

Its not that important that I share with them my dreams and passions, is it?

Yeah, maybe not.

As much as I talk to the Higher Authorities about all this, its nothing more than just a game I’m playing. I might as well be playing chess or blowing bubbles in the backyard for all its worth.

I don’t mean to paint an awful picture of the Higher Authorities.

But this document sat here in front of me for a full 10 minute conversation and I was just hoping to be able to bring up the subject that I’ve been formally accepted into a dance school as an instructor and yet…its just child’s play.

I’m again, just a little boy running in the backyard with a paper plane. I’m a little boy spinning round and round to music in the living room. Just child’s play.

Of course, having your name in print as an instructor means absolute bollocks.

Fuck this. I’m going to bed.

My blog stalkers.

It seems that I’m getting visitors from EVERYWHERE.

Gosh.

So just because I’m loving all the attention (and yes, I blog for your entertainment as much as my own), anyone mind sharing a quick name a maybe a personal website/blog I can link or connect to just so that I can get to know y’all a bit better?

Comments much appreciated. And apparently, because a lot of you readers are directly coming here rather than linking on to another blog from somewhere else, maybe drop a line about how you found moi?

Ta.

Love work. Will work.

Got this in my email after salsa today.

Click if you want the bigger picture.

But this cracked me up. After the fair bit of shit I’ve had to deal with regarding work, this was the last thing I expected in the email.

Bleh.

Salsa was good tonight. Didn’t call as much as I would have liked but hey, that’s a start. And my name is officially listed as an instructor. BOOYAH!

Me sleepy now. +D

Bravado

Tossing back a few chugs of water with a dancing mate who was having a pint of beer and who, like me, had also recently been left on the singles path, but his own choice unlike my own destiny, we both agreed in moments of slight drunkenness (I think for me, it was hyponaetremia) that being single was so much better.

 

Nothing to bother you about, only yourself to worry about, more cashflow, more everything.

 

But I think in the quietness that reigned after, you think of the quiet moments that you've shared curled up in bed with her, on the couch watching a movie, sneaking a kiss in public, dancing with her arm around your neck and her hips pressed up against yours, her smile, her eyes, the way she ruffles her hair for more "volume" and the simple hand holding that felt as natural as garlic butter on garlic bread and you wonder why you put on such a front.

Why do you put on such a show? Because there's nothing really to impress. No girls, no mates, no nothing.

 

Its just you and the rest of your quiet world, sitting in a quiet bar on a Monday night with a bachata playing in the background while you talk sh|t and pretend that the rest of the crazy crazy world does not matter.

 

Work's a bit slow today.

Eyes wide shut.

I remembered writing a blog post on a now deceased blog a year or so back, after an intense analysis of relationships and the heartaches involved, I wrote,

When I first fell in love, I jumped in head first, heart open, my eyes wide shut, my arms flung out, ready to embrace whatever came my way, ready to live and ready to love. But now, I hold back at the line drawn between sanity and insanity, heart broken, my eyes wide open, distrusting, and my arms held in a boxer’s pose, ready to give some hurt right back if necessary.

Hm.

Sometimes, I hate the fact that I have become so cynical. I do not like the fact that I treat the world with disdain and sometimes, I have given up on the idea that there is still some good in this world. My tongue is sarcastic, my thoughts wary, and my heart shut. Sure, I still treat people in my line of work and perhaps, that’s just the professional side of me coming through. Supply and demand, dealing with things. Just the usual. Treat customers la dee da.

But looking at the personal side of things, I just don’t know.

One thing that I found that I missed when the French Lady and I got together was that we didn’t seem to talk anymore. And no, I don’t mean that there was that freezing glacier between us and we didn’t speak to each other.

But when we were friends, we talked about everything and anything under the sun. We used to sit on the footpath outside my place and look at the stars and she, being the more knowledgeable one about stars and all that, would always point out the Southern Cross and Orion’s Belt and the Big Dipper. Now, when I look at the sky, the first thing I look for are those three constellations and Lord forbid if it doesn’t remind me of her.

There was one day she stormed in to meet me for lunch and she had been upset over an implementation of the law in Utah where feticide was to be considered a crime and the mother of the child, jailed no matter what caused the pregnancy to fail. We had a bit of a row and I was her least popular person on her list for a bit until I read that article and we could discuss it more calmly. But little things like that.

I missed those talks. I do.

And our Thursday meet ups for lunch at Maccas. My little reprieve throughout the week. I think, before the last meal, we talked then. We talked about little things that happened throughout the day and what was going to be happening later and little things like that. Yeah. I enjoyed that.

But things have changed now.

Especially after the break up, the initial plan was to remain friends. There were a few phone calls in between, as much as we knew that we shouldn’t. Tears were shed, frustration grew.

But she grew strong and since then, I have been the weak one. I’ve attempted to contact her twice (and she’s smart enough to not reply, thank goodness!) otherwise, I would have been the puddle beneath her favourite white shoes. We both knew deep down inside that none of us (oh wait, I shouldn’t speak for her so yeah, me) was not yet ready for contact. And when I will be, I don’t have a fricking clue.

But I read this and honestly, this just makes me smile. I think the ole’ romantic is still in there, somewhere.

And oh. Lena Horne passed away on Sunday night. R.I.P to one of the voices that rocked my world of music.

Time for work. And have a ball, wherever you are.

Kekich Credo #9

“A little caution avoids great regrets. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Keep fully insured physically and materially and keep hedged emotionally. Insurance is not for sale when you need it.”

Sometimes, when I look back at my life, especially in terms of past relationships, I always see the points in time where if I had exercised just that little bit more caution, that little bit more restraint, I think my life would have been better. I think it would have been more pleasant and I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. But what I’ve done in recent times is just to go with my gut instinct (which apparently sucks donkey eggs) and thought to myself, “You know, Paul, if you don’t go for it, you’ll never know what its about. You’ll regret this for the rest of your life, not knowing about this.” And so I went ahead and like your average bumbling idiot, ENDED up regretting my course of actions.

Sometimes, its not a question of what I could have done better. Its more a question of what I would NOT have done in the first place.

Sure, you say, as you read Kekich’s Credo #9 above. Do all that and end up living a safe life. Never take risks. Never do anything that would cause potential loss. Sure. Live a boring life.

Which is why, sometimes, I want to live life on the edge. I want a daring and exciting experience, full of adrenaline and expectations. I want to wake up the next morning pretty much buzzing with energy and wanting to make a difference and make it NOW.

But what I think I sorely lack at the moment is just that little bit of caution. Somehow, in my addled little brain, I’ve lost the ability to maintain a little bit of the fear of the unknown and I’ve just gone ahead like a mad cow and just gone for it.

And like the phrase goes, “He who hesitates is lost” but then again, “Look before you leap.”

I’ve fallen into wayy too many gaps because I chose to dive in head first. Not pleasant. At all.

But nanny-ways. Goodnight.

Numbskull

Sometimes, it takes a numbskull to figure out that she’s NEVER going to talk to you again.

Yeah.

Transparency.

I’m pretty sure that one day, I’ll get back to writing long, languid posts with pictures like I used to do before. But now, at the moment, I’ve got short little bursts of thoughts not unlike machine gun stutters and I think I’ll like to get that out first.

Its amazing how and what a blog can show from just one post. The writer (a.k.a me) has the power to censor and scrutinise and literally, with a tap of my fingers, make life seem like the depths of Hell or bouncy bouncy Heaven.

Its funny how it doesn’t take very much to be one thing or another. It all depends on what I write, how I write it, what mood I’m in and yet, I can sterilize myself to the point that my life could be happy and full of joy all the time. None of the depression, none of the sadness, none of the blah that comes along with life. Isn’t that pleasant?

Perhaps, its a way of thinking. A way of dealing with the things that come to you. Hm.

I’ve been reading a few self help books lately and this blog is probably going to be the recipient of a few quotes and assignments that I’ll be getting through it. Hopefully nothing too boring to read. But hey, you’re the reader, you’ve got the choice to read or not, right?

I’m going to tidy my room and get some actual work done. YUP.

Over here.

Reflections Over a Cup of Tea.

I’ve moved temporarily so click on it. Nothing major happening there at the mo, I just think its a bit more entertaining than coming back to this page and reading random midnight rants from moi.

Oh wait. It doesn’t work. Meh. Forgot I deleted the webpage a while back.

Oh well. Didn’t mean to lead y’all on. Heh.

That’s it from me, folks. See you all tomorrow.

Out of the Ashes.

I feel reborn.

I know I talked about moving out of here. Especially after the French Lady and I decided to go our own separate ways, I had convinced myself that I had no reason to stay, that I was getting out of here and doing it soon.

But I’ve found it. I’ve found a reason to stay. Not for long, though. I plan to make my mark and then leave when its all over and done with.

Oh, salsa. Damn you.

I’m staying here because I want to make my mark here in the dancing world. I’m staying here and carrying on because I want to leave my legacy here. I’m staying here because I’m looking at foraging out into the world of business and running one and how I can do it better.

It’s thrilling. Its something I can keep my attention on and its something that I can keep myself occupied with.

I’m still continuing with the whole ballroom latin thing. I’ve been talking to the DanceMentor and he was telling me a lot of things about dance that I myself personally preach about but funnily enough, I never seem to practise.

“Knowing a routine is one thing. Loving it is another.”

How true is that statement! Sure, you can always dance a routine but then, it becomes purely that. Only a routine. One move after another.

But when you love it…everything changes. Everything. A wave of the hand, a flick of the head, a smile on the face, everything means just a little bit more.

Hm.

I want to ask a question. Is it possible to fall in love with someone without falling in love with that person?

Whether, for example, you can choose to like someone or even think of the idea of “love” with one said person but know that in the end, it doesn’t matter anyway?

I’m not looking for a relationship. I know, for certain, I miss the idea of being in one and I miss the fact that there’s someone who cares for me but to think of being in one…I’m not sure whether I’m ready for it. Whether I’ll ever be ready for it.

Was talking to the FreshFaced Girl and she was saying that after having had dated several boyfriends in the past, it was more of a way to “try” different people out to see whether they were suitable for long term relationships. I, myself, personally think that as much as I’m kind of “cool” with that idea, I used to be the kind of person who would “date to marry.” As in, date the one person and then marry that said person.

Oh, how naive I was. How stupid I am.

I finally settled down on the idea of “Hey, maybe its okay to date or “try” to see who is and who is NOT suitable for marriage or something.” However, as much as I have made peace with that thought, I keep thinking about how nice it would still be to be able to date someone for the first time and know that this person will be the one that you’ll be looking at marrying and having the rest of your life with.

Rare find, that.

I was asked by Pharmacist M about how I would know when the right person came along. I said I had not a flipping clue.

Say if we were to take the population of the world currently at 6 billion, that meant that if you were to meet your soulmate, it would be 1 in 6 billion. That would be a fair estimate, I’d say but that doesn’t take into account your sexual orientation or different fetishes, age differences, interracial….um. Yeah. I don’t think I’ll continue otherwise this blog is going to get reported and flagged for inappropriate content.

So while we’re at it, say women outnumber men 2 to 1. And you ladies probably do. Apparently, we men are going to be extinct in the near future.

So ladies, if you were to find a man, you’d be looking at say…..1 in 2 billion. And that’s a lot of men. And to think that you’ll be having to compete with 4 other billion women just to get 1 of 2 billion men, hell, that’s a lot. But you might be lucky and count the women who’re too career focused or who are already married or divorced or spinsters and who don’t want a man, you can trim that number down a little.

Ah, to hell with it. Its too late at night to try and type something out of this calibre.

But as you can tell, I’m back. Thanks for reading.

No, it doesn’t take much.

Heh.

As much as I’d hate to say it, I’m back.

I’ll be blogging again, soon, on a different site, with a different look and I promise NOT to be boring or depressed or stalkerish. It’ll be all sunshine and rainbows at this end of the thunderstorm.

Tootles.