Starting anew.

Find me here.

See you on the opening chapter. +D

Love 2.0?

Was talking with a salsa friend that has not come to class for a while and she mentioned to me, “Oh, there’s this girl that dances salsa in Palmy that you might like.”

First immediate thoughts was, “Oh, dear lord. Are we at that stage already?”

I said no. Because I did not want to insult the French Lady in this respect. It would seem harsh if anything that I would think of entering a relationship two months after we’ve broken up. Sure, there’s time for grieving and all but I would rather that whilst I’m here, I gave her that respect.

And perhaps, in other words, I’m not quite over her just yet.

This friend, well meaning as she is, did not see the point of me trying to be “nice” to the French Lady. She thought that it was just that I am moving on and basically, isn’t it okay to be friends, anyway?

Unfortunately, the French Lady and I apparently don’t quite see things that way. Otherwise, there would have been a lot more meetings that I might have written about here.

And oh.

I’ve started a new blog. This will probably be the last one on this page.

Click here.

Subtle differences but basically, I’m taking control now. I’m living life.

I’ll see you there and drop a comment. Or two. Or three.

Bye.

Don’t look back in anger - Oasis.

I’m trying real hard here. I think I’ve finally come to acknowledge the fact that I’ve got some real anger issues.

Yesterday, I went absolutely apeshit on a client. I challenged, I raised my voice, I called her bluff. And today, I just straight swore at her.

I felt sick to my stomach after that. Somehow, I kind of knew that I had it in me to act like this, to be this verbally violent.

So I went for a run. I grabbed my mp3 player, hooked it up, threw on a hoodie and went for a run.

And I ran and I ran and I ran.

It was a bit shorter than I would have liked, to be perfectly honest but then again, it was dark at night and I would not have liked to end up on the front page of the local rags as a “discovered body.” But it was good and it felt good to get everything out of my system. The right songs coming on at the right time were definitely a boost to my already flagging spirit.

I ran and I ran and I ran and I think I broke some records. This run to date meant that I ran a sub 5min/km. I did plod at some points but then again, I had traffic lights to cross and cars to watch out for. Not the most ideal environment, really. But it beats a treadmill or running track any day.

I’m proud of what I’ve done. I’m proud of the kays that I’ve logged in place.

And I think I’ll be aiming for the half marathon in Dunners this year. I’ve got a few more months to train.

The fruits of my labour. Sure, its unorthodox and apparently, plain disgusting. But hey, proof in the pudding, right?

I drenched that hoodie. And I’m glad I did. After I finished running, there was no more anger. There was only that slight quiet in my ears and the sensation that I might need to throw up soon. The pounding of my heart had subsequently given up, probably in the recognition that if I was going to keel over from a heart attack, I would rather do that than stop.

The recurring favourite track is Dance Floor Anthem. Especially good for heartbreak.

Sing “I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love.”

Yeah. Anyways. Game time.

Hey.

Hi Pa.

“Hi, son. How are you?”

I’m good. Happy Birthday.

“Hahaha…thank you, thank you. How are you today?”

I’m good, Pa.

“How’s work today?”

It’s okay. I went to visit a patient at home today which was interesting.

“Yeah, did you get my email?”

I did.

“Ya. You know, just keep working away at it and like Ma said the other day, you have to keep developing yourself at your profession and cultivate an interest in it because if you like it, you’ll never have to work again in your life. Dance is still just a hobby, okay?”

Mmm.

“And as much as you talked about opening a dance school and all that, you must remember that back here, we’re Chinese and over there, we’re Asian. So we’re still losing out either way. So focus on your profession. You can move out of there whenever you want but its really important that you get a job before you do that. Otherwise, its really crap to be stuck in a position with no job and no income.”

Okay, Pa.

“Well, its late and you better go to bed.”

I will, Pa.

“Okay, good night.”

Night, Pa.

*click* *dial tone*

Yeah.

Its not that important that I share with them my dreams and passions, is it?

Yeah, maybe not.

As much as I talk to the Higher Authorities about all this, its nothing more than just a game I’m playing. I might as well be playing chess or blowing bubbles in the backyard for all its worth.

I don’t mean to paint an awful picture of the Higher Authorities.

But this document sat here in front of me for a full 10 minute conversation and I was just hoping to be able to bring up the subject that I’ve been formally accepted into a dance school as an instructor and yet…its just child’s play.

I’m again, just a little boy running in the backyard with a paper plane. I’m a little boy spinning round and round to music in the living room. Just child’s play.

Of course, having your name in print as an instructor means absolute bollocks.

Fuck this. I’m going to bed.

My blog stalkers.

It seems that I’m getting visitors from EVERYWHERE.

Gosh.

So just because I’m loving all the attention (and yes, I blog for your entertainment as much as my own), anyone mind sharing a quick name a maybe a personal website/blog I can link or connect to just so that I can get to know y’all a bit better?

Comments much appreciated. And apparently, because a lot of you readers are directly coming here rather than linking on to another blog from somewhere else, maybe drop a line about how you found moi?

Ta.

Love work. Will work.

Got this in my email after salsa today.

Click if you want the bigger picture.

But this cracked me up. After the fair bit of shit I’ve had to deal with regarding work, this was the last thing I expected in the email.

Bleh.

Salsa was good tonight. Didn’t call as much as I would have liked but hey, that’s a start. And my name is officially listed as an instructor. BOOYAH!

Me sleepy now. +D

Bravado

Tossing back a few chugs of water with a dancing mate who was having a pint of beer and who, like me, had also recently been left on the singles path, but his own choice unlike my own destiny, we both agreed in moments of slight drunkenness (I think for me, it was hyponaetremia) that being single was so much better.

 

Nothing to bother you about, only yourself to worry about, more cashflow, more everything.

 

But I think in the quietness that reigned after, you think of the quiet moments that you've shared curled up in bed with her, on the couch watching a movie, sneaking a kiss in public, dancing with her arm around your neck and her hips pressed up against yours, her smile, her eyes, the way she ruffles her hair for more "volume" and the simple hand holding that felt as natural as garlic butter on garlic bread and you wonder why you put on such a front.

Why do you put on such a show? Because there's nothing really to impress. No girls, no mates, no nothing.

 

Its just you and the rest of your quiet world, sitting in a quiet bar on a Monday night with a bachata playing in the background while you talk sh|t and pretend that the rest of the crazy crazy world does not matter.

 

Work's a bit slow today.

Eyes wide shut.

I remembered writing a blog post on a now deceased blog a year or so back, after an intense analysis of relationships and the heartaches involved, I wrote,

When I first fell in love, I jumped in head first, heart open, my eyes wide shut, my arms flung out, ready to embrace whatever came my way, ready to live and ready to love. But now, I hold back at the line drawn between sanity and insanity, heart broken, my eyes wide open, distrusting, and my arms held in a boxer’s pose, ready to give some hurt right back if necessary.

Hm.

Sometimes, I hate the fact that I have become so cynical. I do not like the fact that I treat the world with disdain and sometimes, I have given up on the idea that there is still some good in this world. My tongue is sarcastic, my thoughts wary, and my heart shut. Sure, I still treat people in my line of work and perhaps, that’s just the professional side of me coming through. Supply and demand, dealing with things. Just the usual. Treat customers la dee da.

But looking at the personal side of things, I just don’t know.

One thing that I found that I missed when the French Lady and I got together was that we didn’t seem to talk anymore. And no, I don’t mean that there was that freezing glacier between us and we didn’t speak to each other.

But when we were friends, we talked about everything and anything under the sun. We used to sit on the footpath outside my place and look at the stars and she, being the more knowledgeable one about stars and all that, would always point out the Southern Cross and Orion’s Belt and the Big Dipper. Now, when I look at the sky, the first thing I look for are those three constellations and Lord forbid if it doesn’t remind me of her.

There was one day she stormed in to meet me for lunch and she had been upset over an implementation of the law in Utah where feticide was to be considered a crime and the mother of the child, jailed no matter what caused the pregnancy to fail. We had a bit of a row and I was her least popular person on her list for a bit until I read that article and we could discuss it more calmly. But little things like that.

I missed those talks. I do.

And our Thursday meet ups for lunch at Maccas. My little reprieve throughout the week. I think, before the last meal, we talked then. We talked about little things that happened throughout the day and what was going to be happening later and little things like that. Yeah. I enjoyed that.

But things have changed now.

Especially after the break up, the initial plan was to remain friends. There were a few phone calls in between, as much as we knew that we shouldn’t. Tears were shed, frustration grew.

But she grew strong and since then, I have been the weak one. I’ve attempted to contact her twice (and she’s smart enough to not reply, thank goodness!) otherwise, I would have been the puddle beneath her favourite white shoes. We both knew deep down inside that none of us (oh wait, I shouldn’t speak for her so yeah, me) was not yet ready for contact. And when I will be, I don’t have a fricking clue.

But I read this and honestly, this just makes me smile. I think the ole’ romantic is still in there, somewhere.

And oh. Lena Horne passed away on Sunday night. R.I.P to one of the voices that rocked my world of music.

Time for work. And have a ball, wherever you are.

Kekich Credo #9

“A little caution avoids great regrets. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Keep fully insured physically and materially and keep hedged emotionally. Insurance is not for sale when you need it.”

Sometimes, when I look back at my life, especially in terms of past relationships, I always see the points in time where if I had exercised just that little bit more caution, that little bit more restraint, I think my life would have been better. I think it would have been more pleasant and I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. But what I’ve done in recent times is just to go with my gut instinct (which apparently sucks donkey eggs) and thought to myself, “You know, Paul, if you don’t go for it, you’ll never know what its about. You’ll regret this for the rest of your life, not knowing about this.” And so I went ahead and like your average bumbling idiot, ENDED up regretting my course of actions.

Sometimes, its not a question of what I could have done better. Its more a question of what I would NOT have done in the first place.

Sure, you say, as you read Kekich’s Credo #9 above. Do all that and end up living a safe life. Never take risks. Never do anything that would cause potential loss. Sure. Live a boring life.

Which is why, sometimes, I want to live life on the edge. I want a daring and exciting experience, full of adrenaline and expectations. I want to wake up the next morning pretty much buzzing with energy and wanting to make a difference and make it NOW.

But what I think I sorely lack at the moment is just that little bit of caution. Somehow, in my addled little brain, I’ve lost the ability to maintain a little bit of the fear of the unknown and I’ve just gone ahead like a mad cow and just gone for it.

And like the phrase goes, “He who hesitates is lost” but then again, “Look before you leap.”

I’ve fallen into wayy too many gaps because I chose to dive in head first. Not pleasant. At all.

But nanny-ways. Goodnight.

Numbskull

Sometimes, it takes a numbskull to figure out that she’s NEVER going to talk to you again.

Yeah.